Do not regret growing older, it is a privilege denied to many. "By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends." "ALWAYS DO RIGHT. THIS WILL GRATIFY SOME PEOPLE AND ASTONISH THE REST" Mark Twain “Anyone who has looked into the glazed eyes of a soldier dying on the battlefield will think hard before starting a war.” Otto Von Bismarck Over 50? Or do you want to know what we that are over 50 remembers? Go to this web page at: http://www.biomagic.com/email/eud2.html "The Clock" A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow." Sweating the Big Stuff! Message by: Charles Schultz Philosophy The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read the e-mail and you'll get the point. 1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world. 2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners. 3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest. 4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize. 5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress. 6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners. How did you do? The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners. Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one: 1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school. (Might be difficult some of you Old Pharts remembering that far back) 2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time. 3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile. 4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special. 5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with. 6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you. Easier? The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care. I like the next bit "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." (Charles Schultz) That's a defense attorney alright... A Chicago lawyer named George successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I believe you would defend Satan himself!" "I don't know," George says, "what has your kid done?" During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to interrogate the student's test-taking habit. "Mr. Walters," the professor began. "Is there something interesting written on your palm?" "Not at all," Billy replied. "It's all pretty boring." A friend just told me about a new instructional Golf Book by Bobby Rusher. I haven't seen a copy yet, however I did see a flyer, and from the list of Chapters, it looks like it might be one in which you might have some interest. The title is "How to Line up Your 4th Putt" by BOBBY RUSHER. Here are some of the more notable chapters: 1. How to hit a Top Flite from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee. 2. How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker. 3. How to get more distance out of a shank. 4. Using your shadow on the greens to maximize earnings. 5. Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk. 6. Crying and how to handle it. 7. How to rationalize a 7 hour round. 8. How to find the ball that everyone else saw go in the water. 9. How to make hitting short of the ladies tee, sexy. 10. How to let a foursome play through your twosome without getting embarrassed. 11. How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee. 12. When to suggest swing corrections to your opponent. 13. God and the meaning of the double bogey. BOBBY is now working on the book's sequel, "When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever" 10 Common Canine Complaints 1. Building mounted fire hose connections are no substitute for a real hydrant. 2. "Why can't I just make an appointment with the groomer to get my nails done? I can do without the shampoo, blow-dry and stupid pink bows." 3. Nintendo is not easily paw operated. 4. There are no real career opportunities for a dog who has been fixed. 5. Silk plants may look real but when chewed cause extreme flatulence. 6. "If Barbie wasn't meant as a chew toy, why do little girls set up her Dream House within easy reach?" 7. No breakfast in bed. 8. Really cool sneaker companies don't make doggie booties. 9. "Snausages" is not in the dictionary. 10. The average refrigerator door seam is too narrow to be easily opened by a snout. Most dogs are good teachers of the real important things. Just watch and learn. THIS IS SOME GOOD ADVICE! If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. College Money - A kid called up his Mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke. His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?" "Uhh, oh yeah, o.k." responded the kid. So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?" "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him." "That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???" "Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 12!" Training for Men Evening classes for men. Starting this month!! Thirteen Sessions. Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight (8) participants. Sign up early and get a discount on registration. CURRICULUM: 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation. 2. Toilet paper. Do they grow on the holders? Round table discussion. 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Practising with hamper. Pictures and graphics. 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into kitchen sink or dishwasher? Debate among panel of experts. 5. Loss of Virility: Losing the remote control to your significant other. Help line and support groups. 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum. 7. Health watch: Bringing her flowers is NOT harmful to your health. Power Point presentation. 8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials. 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation. 10. Living with Adults: Basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role-playing. 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques. 12. Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates plus calling when you're going to be late. Bring your calendar or PDA to class. 13. Getting Over It. Learning to live with being wrong most of the time. Individual counsellors available. Making you think.... And before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Can you set your laser printer on stun? Is it truly possible to have a civil war? Ah, but if all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Most car accidents occur within five miles of home... why, then doesn't everyone move 10 miles away? And if one synchronized swimmer drowns, must the rest drown also? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? And if you are born again, do you have two bellybuttons? If you try to fail, and succeed, what have you done? Is it not so that Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse? Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband. "Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?" "Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell convenience, so I made it risk." Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein eventually looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home." The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!" "I'll go tell him," says Goldberg. What The Man in Blue Doesn't Want to Hear... "Remember, I pay your salary." "I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer." "Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does." "Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning." "I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead." "Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence." "Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds." "S'all right occifer... I only had tee martoonis!" "Hey, you must have been doing 115 to keep up with me, awesome job!" "I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me." "So tell me, are you on the take or what?" "Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in." "What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist." "Dude! You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand." "So, you're not going to check the trunk, are you?" "You know, I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer." A Sunday school teacher was speaking to a group of four-year-olds about Jesus, Joseph and Mary. After the lesson the kids were to draw a picture depicting their favorite part of the story. The teacher shared the pictures the children drew with the entire class. She got pictures of the Baby Jesus in the manger with animals, she got pictures of the three wise men and the like. Then she got to a picture from little Jimmy, a picture of an airplane with four people on it. She called Jimmy up to explain his picture. She told Jimmy that she could see Mary, Joseph and the Baby Jesus, obviously in their "flight" to Egypt. She didn't understand why there was another man on the plane. Jimmy quickly explained, "That's Pontius, the pilot." Original Text The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"