Groaners for today .......... New Pasta Diet Just walk pasta bakery without stopping. Walk pasta candy store without stopping. Walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping. Cereal killer caught while cashing victim's Chex. A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate. Red Neck Video Game JUST IN CASE YOU HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO! Use your left mouse button. This can become addictive. This will get you in shape for summer. Go To: http://www.shockhaber.com/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.htm When the English playwright Oscar Wilde arrived at his club late at night after witnessing the first presentation of a play that had been a complete failure, someone asked. "How did your play go tonight, Oscar? "Oh," said Wilde, "the play was a great success. The audience was a failure." A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie's house, and Grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home. "Oh Morris," said Grandma. "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?" Leaning close to Grandma so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home." A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington, DC. The bride is concerned. "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, and under the rug. "Aha" Under the rug was a disc with 4 screws. He gets his screwdriver, unscrews the screws and throws the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?" "How was the service?" "How was your stay at the Watergate?" The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them." One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found. John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one." A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult." the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset." The following ad in The Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls: SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy. Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever. Divy It Up Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, "A lawyer!" SIGNS YOU ARE BEING STALKED BY MARTHA STEWART You get a threatening note made up of letters neatly cut out of a magazine with pinking shears; You find a slice of lemon floating in your dog's dish; Every napkin in your house has been folded into the shape of a swan; On her TV show she makes a replica of your home out of gingerbread, including your fallen-down licorice downspout and stuck-half-open, graham-cracker garage door. A man goes to his doctor and says "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?" The doctor replies: "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you." The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says "What's for dinner, honey?" No response. He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again, no response. Five feet, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?" She says, "for the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!" Reap What You Sow Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle. A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale. "No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date." "So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor. "Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him." An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS." Brain Teasers 1. How can you arrange for two people to stand on the same piece of newspaper and yet be unable to touch each other without stepping off the newspaper? 2. How many 3-cent stamps are there in a dozen? 3. A rope ladder hangs over the side of a ship. The rungs are one foot apart and the ladder is 12 feet long. The tide is rising at four inches an hour. How long will it take before the first four rungs of the ladder are underwater? 4. Which would you rather have, a trunk full of nickels or a trunk half full of dimes? 5. Steve has three piles of sand and Mike has four piles of sand. If they put them all together, how many do they have? 6. In which sport are the shoes made entirely of metal? 7. If the Vice President of the United States should die, who would be President? 8. How can you throw a golf ball with all your might and--without hitting a wall or any other obstruction--have the ball stop and come right back to you? 9. Find the English word that can be formed from all these letters: PNLLEEEESSSSS ANSWERS below .......... Due to the latest safety news about dangerous foods to eat: Can't eat beef.................... mad cow. Can't eat chicken/eggs...... bird flu Can't eat pork................... trichinosis Can't eat fish.....................mercury poison Can't eat fruits/veggies..... Insecticides Hmmmm! I believe that just leaves chocolate! Have a good day! ANSWERS: 1. Slide the newspaper half way under a closed door and ask the two people to stand on the bit of newspaper on their side of the door. 2. There are twelve (not four). 3. Actually, the ladder will rise with the ship! 4. Dimes are smaller than nickels, so choose the dimes! 5. If they put them all together, there will be one pile. 6. Horse racing. 7. The President. 8. Throw the ball straight up. 9. Sleeplessness "Murphy's Laws On Work" Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.' Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. No one gets sick on Wednesdays. The longer the title, the less important the job. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure. One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it's time that you learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes,and set sail for a three-month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again." "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible, horrible fish!" "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!"