Funny Quotes: "In Missouri, a guy goes into a K-Mart releases a hundred bees as a diversion for his shoplifting. The bees kept banging against the glass, trying to get out. It's like they knew they were at a K-Mart." -- Jay Leno "I think we ought to go ahead and make 'zillion' a real number. 'Gazillion' too. A zillion could be ten million trillions, and a gazillion could be a trillion zillions. It seems to me it's time to do this." -- George Carlin "In order to feel safer on his private jet, actor John Travolta purchased a bomb-sniffing dog. Unfortunately for the actor the dog came six movies too late." -- Tina Fey CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded. (Jay Leno) It has just been reported that specially trained circus midgets have flown several shorties against Iraq today. (Johann von Haupkopf) Gasoline prices have gotten so high that women who want to run over their cheating husbands have started car pooling. (Fairy3Quarters) My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for the weekend. So, I took her down the street to the local Texaco (Jay Leno) AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding. (Renee From Napa) During a recent business trip to Boeing's Everett, Washington factory, I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled. Before the engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings to keep the planes balanced. The solid-steel weights were bright yellow and marked, "14,000 lbs." But what I found particularly interesting was some stenciling I discovered on the side of each weight. Imprinted there was the warning: "Remove before flight." Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doc, my right knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!" The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Mr. Johnson, just how old are you?" "98!" Johnson announced proudly. The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. . . Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You're practically one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?" The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it don't hurt!" The Right Choice There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Thomas and Peter... Both graduated with highest honors. Both came from excellent families. Both were equally attractive and well spoken. Finally, the senior partner had to make a decision, so she took each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, she chooses Peter. Baffled, Thomas takes Peter aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Ms. Stein asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, and that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell her?" "I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Thomas replies. "Your hands? What the heck do you mean?" "Well, I took a long look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!" A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" asked the kid. "Right after the National Anthem." Judi and Gayle (both blondes) were at an auto show. There they saw a hot-rod with a jacked up rear. "Judi, why is the back end higher than the front?" Gayle asked. "Don't you know ANYTHING?" Judi sighed exasperated. "If you've got the back up like that, then you're always going downhill!" The Eye of the Beholder A young girl's folks had paid a visit to the home of a neighbor one evening. The neighbor thought naturally, when she answered the doorbell the next morning and found the little girl at the door, that her parents had forgotten something.... "Please, Mrs. Johnston," said the girl, "may I look at your living room rug?" The woman was surprised but said, "Why, of course, Jennie. Come on in. It's right over here." The little lady stared at the rug for several minutes. Then she turned to its owner and said unabashedly, "Well, I think they're wrong... It doesn't make me sick." 10 Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is A Little Slow 1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code 2. Graphics arrive via FedEx 3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection 4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week later 5. Your credit card expires while ordering online 6. ESPN Web site exhibits "1989 Heisman Trophy Winner" 7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan" 8. Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump 9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them 10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out. A store that sells husbands has just opened in San Diego. At this store, a woman may choose a husband from a selection of men. The store is comprised of 6 floors,and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, BUT if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day. Having A Really Bad Day So, there's this guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink... staring into the glass... deep in thought He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs the drink, and drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me on the spot. When I left the building and headed to my car, I found out it was stolen. The cops said they could do nothing. So, I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And then I was finally going to end it all, you show up and grab my glass and drink my poison..." What's UP? There is a two-letter word that perhaps more meaning than any other two-letter word in the English language, and it is "UP" It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP, and why are officers UP for election and why is it UP to he secretary to write UP a report? W e read UP on a story in the paper that we pick UP to find out what's UP in the world, and make our minds UP, and hope that something good turns UP We call UP friends, we use it to brighten UP as room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car. At other times the word has real special meaning. We can be UP for trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, think UP excuses To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special, and confusing. A drain must be opened UP because it's stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning, but also close it UP at night. We seemed to be pretty mixed UP on the UP about UP. To be knowledgeable about the proper use of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary In a desk-size dictionary. UP takes UP more than a quarter page, and definitions add UP to about thirty. If you are UP to it you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP lots of your time, but don't give UP, you may wind UP with UP to one hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, it's clouding UP. And when the sun comes out it's clearing UP When it rains it wets UP the earth, but when it doesn't rain for a while, things are also drying UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP for my time is UP, and I leave it UP to you to keep it UP sharing this list that has been UP to keep your spirits UP. So Put UP or shut UP...I give UP! "Dreaded Old Age" I have always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine anything worse than being old. How awful it must be to have nothing to do all day long but stare at the walls or watch TV? So last year, when the President suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I decided to do just that. I would call on my new neighbor, an elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, and who, I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter because he was too old to take care of himself. I baked a batch of cookies, and, without bothering to call (some old people cannot hear the phone), I went off to brighten this old guy's day. When I rang the doorbell this "old guy" came to the door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny Osmond. "I'm sorry I can't invite you in," he said when I introduced myself, "but I'm due at the Racquet Club at two. I'm playing in the semifinals today." "Oh that's all right," I said. "I baked you some cookies..." "Great!" he interrupted, snatching the box. "Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!" I continued, "...and just thought we'd visit a while. But that's okay! I'll just trot across the street and call on Granny Grady." "Don't bother," he said. "Gran's not home; I know. I just called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight. She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned at breakfast (at which house?) that she had an appointment for a tint job." So I went home and called my Mother's cousin (age 83); she was in the hospital ... ... working in the gift shop. . .... I called my aunt (age 74); she was on vacation in China. . I called my husband's uncle (age 79). I forgot; ...... he was on his honeymoon. .... I still dread old age, now more than ever. I just don't think I'm up to it. Dead Duck... A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys a and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been only $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ...." A Frog!!!!!!!!!! A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." Three Little Pigs... Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Pepsi," said the second little piggy. " "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy. The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy. "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?" The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!" Things you just have to know............... A snail can sleep for three years. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. 48 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial ........ on the back of the $5 bill. Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Babies are born without kneecaps........... They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. Butterflies taste with their feet. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". February 1865 is the only month in recorded history.......... not to have a full moon.. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.. If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are more chickens than people in the world. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself. How about that trivia ....................Now you know everything!