"ALWAYS DO RIGHT. THIS WILL GRATIFY SOME PEOPLE AND ASTONISH THE REST" ..... Mark Twain Do not regret growing older, it is a privilege denied to many. Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic. "Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain." Me And You Are Friends ... You Smile, I Smile ..... You Hurt, I Hurt .... You Cry, I Cry ... You Jump Off A Bridge ... I'm Gonna Miss You I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really missed me. "She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said. "What an example of true love," I replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," my wife answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door." The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning. Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. But where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words "Rough Road." The groaner of all groaners... Undertakers Mal and Mel were storing embalming fluid. It was considered appropriate to place it in an area out of sight. Mel had his share stored promptly but there was still a good portion left for Mal to take care of. When asked why he had not just stored it all, Mel said, "The rest is for Mal to hide." You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When . . . * You can type sixty words a minute with your feet. * Instant coffee takes too long. * You chew on other people's fingernails. * You answer the door, before people knock. * You sleep with your eyes open. * You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. * You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. * You're the employee of the month at Starbucks - and you don't even work there. * You help your dog chase its tail. * You lick your coffeepot clean. * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. * You're so wired you pick up FM radio. * You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug. Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." Said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here." "Beep! Beep!" Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "idiot!" afterwards. A diner at a country inn is shocked to see on the menu a dish of "hickory-smoked possum jowls in syrup." He summons a waiter to complain. The waiter looks at the menu. Then he flings it down and yells to the owner in the kitchen, "Hey, the printers forgot to translate the menu into French again!" A two-and-a-half-year-old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up. "I'm going to look just like you, Mommy!" she announced. "Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her. "No Mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use." As a distinguished matron approached the church entrance, a little boy stepped aside and held the door for her. "What a polite little doorman," she said as she walked through. "Is there a tip involved?" "Oh, no," answered the young man. "My mother taught me never to be good for money, but always to be good for nothing." I went into the greasy spoon next to the office and ordered a tuna On wheat. The waitress said, "Oh, I'm sorry, we're out of wheat bread. You'll have to have it on white." The next day I went to the same place and ordered the same tuna on wheat. Again she told me they were out of wheat, I'd have to get it on white. The third time I went there I decided to skip the step of being refused the wheat and just ordered tuna on white. The waitress looked up from her notepad and said, "Aren't you the guy who usually orders it on wheat?" A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished a treatment. After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and she whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized." A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, gerry! Where do you think you are?" The German fellow felt embarrassed for a moment, however he turned to the New Yorker and begins to chuckle. "And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands. "Oh, nothing really," he said with a heavy accent, "I just realized you actually came here for the food!" A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked. "First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged. The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well..." "Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It's YOUR child!" The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body was that of a Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner. "Second body was a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from America, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken." A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine muttering, "You're a dumb-looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button." "What are you doing?" her girlfriend asked. The blonde quickly pointed to the sign on the front of the machine that read "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE". The Men's List: Finally, the guys side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.. *Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want us to answer, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this: Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping. A large dog walks into a butcher shop, carrying a purse in its mouth. He puts the purse down and sits in front of the meat case. "What is it, boy?" the butcher jokingly asks. "Want to buy some meat?" "Woof!" barks the dog. "Hmm," says the butcher. "What kind? Liver, bacon, steak..." "Woof!" interrupts the dog. "And how much steak? Half a pound, one pound..." "Woof!" signals the dog. The amazed butcher wraps up the meat and finds the money in the dog's purse. As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow. The dog enters an apartment house, climbs to the third floor, and begins scratching at a door. With that, the door swings open and an angry man starts shouting at the dog. "Stop!" yells the butcher. "He's the most intelligent animal I've ever seen!" "Intelligent?" counters the man. "This is the third time this week he's forgotten his key!" Most dogs are good teachers of the real important things. Just watch and learn. THIS IS SOME GOOD ADVICE! If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day............ be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. Training for Men Evening classes for men. Starting this month!! Thirteen Sessions. Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight (8) participants. Sign up early and get a discount on registration. CURRICULUM: 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation. 2. Toilet paper. Do they grow on the holders? Round table discussion. 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Practising with hamper. Pictures and graphics. 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into kitchen sink or dishwasher? Debate among panel of experts. 5. Loss of Virility: Losing the remote control to your significant other. Help line and support groups. 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum. 7. Health watch: Bringing her flowers is NOT harmful to your health. Power Point presentation. 8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials. 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation. 10. Living with Adults: Basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role-playing. 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques. 12. Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates plus calling when you're going to be late. Bring your calendar or PDA to class. 13. Getting Over It. Learning to live with being wrong most of the time. Individual counsellors available. After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"