Thoughts for the day: "Friendship - therapy for poor people." Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?" Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Get the last word in: Apologize. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather......... It pays no attention to criticism. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? "There is no question that we have failed to live up to the dreams of the Founding Fathers many times and in many places. Sometimes we do better than others. But all in all, the one thing we must be on guard against is thinking that because of this, the system has failed. The system has not failed. Some human beings have failed the system." -- Ronald Reagan "Liberty has never come from the government. Liberty has always come from the subjects of the government. The history of government is a history of resistance. The history of liberty is the history of the limitation of government, not the increase of it." -- Woodrow Wilson A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character. Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence. The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common - they were both compulsive liars! I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, It's not very absorbant and you won't be able to get into the corners very well." I took a friend of mine who is visually impaired to church with me this morning. Several of the children in the congregation were fascinated with her Braille Bible. One of the adults came over to see what the kids were so excited about, and Ellen told the woman, "Oh, well, I was telling them how bumpy the road to salvation is." My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits and their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated." She glanced at the prosperous crowd, then back at me, and said, "You're the only one who has to." Signs Your Garage Needs to Be Cleaned - It just entered itself in the heavyweight division on BattleBots. - I don't care what mortgage company you use, they're not going to ask for paycheck stubs from anything earlier than the Eisenhower administration. - Environmentalists picket in your driveway to save the old-growth cobwebs. - You have 12 leaf rakes with a total of 19 tines. - Your missing son emerges twelve years after disappearing with a tale of being raised by boxes and old exercise equipment. - Cockroaches won't go in there without 12 pairs of tiny rubber gloves on. - "Antique Road-show" holds a live broadcast from your driveway. At our local funeral home families are given the chance to chose the music they would like to enter the service to. One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me Tender." The day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service. Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender." Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the gas pump... You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive? Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 . $10.32 per gallon Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 . $ 9.52 per gallon Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 .....$10.17 per gallon Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ..$10.00 per gallon Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ....$33.60 per gallon Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .. $178.13 per gallon Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 . $123.20 per gallon Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ...... $25.42 per gallon Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ......... $84.48 per gallon this is the REAL KICKER; Evian water 9 oz for $1.49. $21.19 per gallon. $21.19 FOR WATER! ....but then again Evian spelled backwards is "naive." So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!! I guess maybe gas pricing isn't so bad after all!!!! Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary 10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking. 9. Today is our what? 8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together? 7. I thought we only celebrated important events? 6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband. 5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother. 4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's. 3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will. 2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up. 1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love. If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section...... Buy a dog. If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you....... Buy a dog. If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it.... Buy a dog If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want........ Buy a dog. If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies ........ Buy a dog. If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores..... Buy a dog. If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually ....... Buy a dog. But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness........... Then my friend, Buy a cat! (You thought I was talking about men didn't you!) Man: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? Bystander: It's a girl. She's my daughter. Man: Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father. Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother. I was driving down this country road a while back. Well.... I pass this large Chicken Farm.. The Sign read "Xtream Chicken Farm and Hatchery" Suddenly I get passed by this huge chicken with four legs.. Wow!!! he was going about 55 mph!!!!! Right behind him was a farmer in his pick-up chasing his four legged chicken... Well a little while later I come to the farmer stopped by the side of the road.. His truck was blowing steam from it's radiator... I asked him if he needed any help.. He said "no thanks". I asked gee did that chicken he was chasin really have four legs? He said "Sure did" we have breed several of them here at "Xtream Chickens and Hatchery "... I asked??? Do they taste good? He says " Hell if I know, we ain't caught one yet"... "Securing a building -- military style" If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and lock the door. If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a pass. If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault with heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call for an air strike. If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will negotiate a three year lease with an option to buy. A rancher applied for a loan at a bank. "How much do you want to borrow?" asked the loan interviewer. "Twenty-five thousand dollars." "All right, but you'll have to show security. How many bulls do you have on your ranch?" "Two hundred." "That should be enough security. The loan is approved." Several months later the rancher returned to the bank to repay the loan. "Here's your money," he declared, peeling off bills from a huge bankroll. "Well, sir, let me congratulate you on your sudden prosperity," said the interviewer, eyeing the bankroll. "And for safety's sake, may I suggest you deposit that extra money in our bank?" Staring at him coldly, the rancher asked, "How many bulls do YOU have?" Can you relate??? WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN) Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve And the first thing he said was "DON'T!" "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!" "No Way!" "Yes way!" "Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God. "Why" "Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" said the Father. "I don't know," said Eve. "She started it!" Adam said "Did not!" "Did too!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in. ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They may choose your nursing home one day. AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN" A scene at City Hall in San Francisco February 2004 "Next." "Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license." "Names?" "Tim and Jim Jones." "Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance." "Yes, we're brothers." "Brothers? You can't get married." "Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?" "Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!" "Incest?" No, we are not gay." "Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?" "For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects." "But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman." "Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim." "And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?" "All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next." "Hi. We are here to get married." "Names?" "John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson." "Who wants to marry whom?" "We all want to marry each other." "But there are four of you!" "That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship." "But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples." "So you're discriminating against bisexuals!" "No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples." "Since when are you standing on tradition?" "Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere." "Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!" "All right, all right. Next." "Hello, I'd like a marriage license." "In what names?" "David Deets." "And the other man?" "That's all. I want to marry myself." "Marry yourself? What do you mean?" "Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return." STOP STOP ........... "That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!" duh ............... ? Gettin' Older............ Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs. Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?" I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 by-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But..... Thank God, I still have my ARIZONA driver's license! God, grant me the senility To forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune To run into the ones I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference. An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."