"Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death." 

Martha Stewart's recipe for chicken casserole is 
boil the chicken in water then dump the stock. 

The doctor had just been buried. The last words of the service over, 
his friends and family started toward their cars.  
However, they stopped because a strange, eerie sound suddenly was 
heard from the grave. As the guests looked around, a colleague of 
the deceased said, "It's nothing...  just his beeper." 

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the 
auctioneer suddenly announced, 
"A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000.  
If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."  
There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the 
room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"  

Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, 
there was a good logical reason for removing the 
Ten Commandments monument from the 
Alabama Supreme Court building.
You cannot post things like 
"Thou Shalt Not Steal," 
"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," 
and "Thou Shall Not Lie" 
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. 
It creates a hostile work environment.

A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his 
attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. 
Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally 
decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.
When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, 
"Daddy, where's Mommy?"

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her 
occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the 
bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before
this court." He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write
'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."

Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it 
was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami.  
She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove 
her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at. 
"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime.  
Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times." 
"Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."

Five Steps to a Healthy Diet 
The Federal Drug and Food Administration is planning to issue a guide for 
proper eating that advises you to: 
A.  List your ten favorite foods. 
B.  List your five favorite beverages. 
C.  List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls, or little trees. 
D.  List water. 
E.  Avoid A & B; eat only C; drink only D.  

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just
met the woman of his dreams.  Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card
invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came
to dinner.  His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned.  "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."

My sister works as a secretary for a number of medical doctors. One is the 
father of 10 children. One night it was his turn to stay home and take care 
of the house and the kids while his wife got out to relax.
The doctor settled down in the living room to read his newspaper and magazines.
There were kids running all around, up and down stairs and just having a grand 
time. Finally it got to be about 8PM and the doctor calls out with a loud voice, 
"OK, everybody upstairs and start getting ready for bed!"
There is heard this stampede of kids heading up the stairs as they were ordered.
The doctor settles down in his chair with a bit more of peace and quiet. Only a 
few minutes pass when he hears the distinct foot fall of someone coming down
the stairs. He hollers out, "I told you to get upstairs and to get ready for bed."
Next thing heard is the sound of feet running upstairs.
Once again, the doctor settles into his reading. Not two minutes pass but that he 
hears quite distinctly the steps of someone coming down the stairs. He gets up 
out of his chair and goes and stands at the bottom of the stairs.
With hands on his hips I looks up at the child and says,
"Didn't I tell you to get upstairs and get ready for bed?"
Sheepishly the child looks at the doctor and says, 
"But mister, I don't even live here!"

A Louisville, KY policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't 
getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12 year-old boy was standing 
up the road with a hand painted sign,which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." 
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 
"TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As a Kentucky State Trooper 
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,"I bet you 
are going to sell me a ticket to the KY State Police Ball." 
He replied, "KY State Troopers don't have balls." 
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just
said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.

The fragrance department of a major New York City store where I shop is 
always pushing the latest scents. Attractive models move about the floor 
offering to spray customers with the newest bouquet.
One day, outside the store's restaurant, a model sprayed two women who had
just finished their lunch. When one woman commented that the perfume was 
too strong, the model replied, "The fragrance will be softer once it dries and 
the alcohol wears off."
"See!" her friend chided. "I told you not to have that second drink."

A farmer named Clyde was in an accident involving a semi-truck and trailer.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?", asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my 
favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down 
the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact 
that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the 
scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to 
sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the 
lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just 
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the 
highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked 
my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown 
into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in 
terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could 
hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at 
her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me,
and asked 'How are you feeling?'
"Now, what would you say?"

Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a 
very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word; 
those that weren't cursing were very rude.
Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, 
playing soft music-anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He then tried yelling at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and 
the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. 
For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and 
screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly 
opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended
arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, 
and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior". Jimmy was
astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had 
changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...?
All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?  
It took five minutes  for the TV warm up?  
Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got  home from school? 
Nobody owned a purebred dog?  
When  a quarter was a decent allowance? 
You'd  reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?  
Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?  
All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done 
every day and wore high heels?  
 You  got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and  gas pumped, 
without asking, all for free,  every time? 
And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?  
Laundry detergent had free glasses,  dishes or towels hidden inside the box?  
It was considered a great privilege to  be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant 
 with your parents? 
They threatened to  keep kids back a grade if they failed. . ..and  they did? 
When  a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber 
or watch submarine races, and people went steady? 
No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, 
in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?  
Lying on your back in the grass with  your friends and saying things like, 
"That  cloud looks like a  ..." and  playing baseball with no adults to help kids 
with the rules of the game? 
Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one 
had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger? 
And with all our  progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back 
in time and savor the  slower pace, and share it with the children  of today? 
When  being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that 
awaited the  student at home? 
Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of  drive-by shootings, 
drugs, gangs, etc. Our  parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!  
But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.  
Can still remember Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy 
and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie  Bell,  
Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk. 
As well as  summers filled with bike rides, baseball games,  Hula Hoops, bowling 
and visits to the pool,  and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.  
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?  
 
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to 
know better and too young to care.  
How many of these do you  remember?
Candy  cigarettes 
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside 
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles 
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes 
Blackjack, Clove, and Teaberry chewing gum 
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers  
Newsreels before the movie 
P.F. Fliers  
Telephone numbers with a word prefix....(Raymond 4-601).  
Party lines, Peashooters,  Howdy Dowdy, 45 RPM records, Green Stamps, Hi-Fi's  
Metal ice cubes trays with levers, Mimeograph paper  
Roller-skate keys, Cork pop guns, Drive ins, Studebakers, Washtub wringers,
The Fuller Brush Man, Reel-To-Reel tape recorders, Tinkertoys, Erector Sets, 
Lincoln Logs,15 cent McDonald hamburgers
5 cent packs of baseball cards - with that awful pink slab of bubble gum  
Penny candy,  35 cent a gallon gasoline, Jiffy Pop popcorn  
Do you remember a time when...
Decisions  were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?  
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"? 
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest? 
Catching  the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening? 
It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"? 
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?  
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot? 
A foot of snow was a dream come true? 
Saturday  morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures? 
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made  perfect sense? 
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?  
The  worst embarrassment was being picked last for a  team? 
War was a card game? 
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a  motorcycle? 
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin? 
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?  
If  you can remember most or all of these, then you  have lived!!!!!!!
Where have all the great years gone?
Put a grandchild on your lap and explain the above message, 
don't wait as the above message proves time is going by quickly.

Finally, some real groanners for you - - - - -
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. 
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. 
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love & get married. 
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. 
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" 
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 
"Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."  
I don't believe you," said Dolly. 
"It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.
10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. 
One says, "I've lost my electron." 
The other says, "Are you sure?" 
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, 
is there anything you can do for him?" 
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him," 
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. 
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." 
"What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" 
"No, because he's really heavy"
14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. 
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. 
It's either my mum or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin. 
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day 
but I couldn't find any.
16. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't 
reach the meat on the top shelf. 
He said, "No. The steaks are too high."
17. A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. 
He shouted, "Doctor doctor, I can't feel my legs!" 
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms"!
18. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; 
but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
20. A man walks into a doctor's office. 
"What seems to be the problem," asks the doc?
"It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man. 
"Blimey" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" 
"Like a glove!"
21. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
22. A three-legged dog walks into the Longbranch Saloon and says, 
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
23. A duck walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist,   
"Give me some Chapstick and put it on my bill."