"Some people work up steam and some only generate a fog." 

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said he would be 
willing to serve another term.
Greenspan went on to say, "Where else would I get a job 
in this economy?" -- Conan O'Brien

A young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. 
At the end of the season, he returned home. 
As luck would have it, he ran into his Rabbi at the airport.
The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert you at South Bend?"
The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!"

A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming. 
"More on candidates at 10 P.M.," he said.
The ten-year-old boy looked at his father in disbelief 
and said, "I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' 
on national television!"

This is one of the strangest things I have ever encountered.
Left brain, right brain
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor 
and make clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air 
with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it.
 
Pregnant at 63
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen 
by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the 
examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran 
down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what
the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. 
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where 
the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? 
Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven 
grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without 
looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the 
reason for their long and happy marriage.  
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish.  
After all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'''  
The wife said, "For my part, I have never 
corrected my husband's spelling."  

As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, 
I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered 
behind the wheel. One day I had three beginners in the car, each 
scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student 
completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the 
others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he 
asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car first?"

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the
local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good 
long look at their pickup trucks parked outside. 
One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't 
see us or recognize my pickup." 
The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make.  
God knows we're in here...  and he's the only one who counts." 
The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."  

Recently while going through an airport during one of 
his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long 
hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.
Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President.
Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush 
grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?" 
The secret service agent agreed with the President.
"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just 
keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!" 
Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.
The secret service man went up to the man in the white
robe and whispered,"You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered,"Yes, I am Moses.  However, 
the last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!" 
 
Awestruck
In 1990 a woman entered a Haagen-Dazs ice cream store 
in the Kansas City Plaza for an ice-cream cone. While she 
was ordering another customer entered the store. 
She placed her order, turned and found herself staring 
face to face with Paul Newman.
He was in town filming Mr. and Mrs. Bridge.  His blue eyes 
made her knees buckle. She finished paying and quickly 
walked out of the store with her heart still pounding. 
Gaining her composure she suddenly realized she didn't have
her cone; she turned to go back in. At the door she met Paul 
Newman who was coming out. He said to her, 
"Are you looking for your ice-cream cone?"
Unable to utter a word she nodded yes. 
"You put it in your purse with your change."

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a 
good paying job.  The company boss asked various questions 
about him and his education, but then asked him, 
"What is three times seven?"  
"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his 
calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) 
and realized he wouldn't get the job.  
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired 
for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, 
but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked 
why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question 
wrong.   
The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."  

The creation of pets. Where do pets come from?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you 
walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. 
We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember 
how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that 
will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love 
for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, 
this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you 
as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve 
and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal 
to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection 
of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them 
and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and
preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. 
Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who 
will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. 
The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will
know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed 
into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme 
beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't  care one way or the other.

Signs Your Church has Sold Out to Corporate Sponsors
Taco Bell's talking dog now reading announcements
In Christmas play, Joseph seen drinking can of Coke.
Greeters all dressed like Mr. Goodwrench
Personal pew licenses now sold
Baptismals include dolphin show from Sea World
Statue of Moses seen holding keys to a Jeep
The 12 disciples replaced by Disney characters
Scripture verses brought to you by Windows '98
Pastor doing subliminal product messages during sermon
Bulletin has coupon section
Choir members wear Dockers
In the restrooms, an attendant hands you a towel
There is a credit card swiper on the collection plate
Offering envelopes bearing Visa or Mastercard emblems on them
Handicap parking sponsored by the Family Medical Group, LLC
Wednesday night suppers sponsored by KFC
Sunday morning televised services sponsored by the FOX network
Church vans traded in for Ford Broncos
Church bell chimes to the tune of the NBC chimes
Choir robes with the Lands' End emblem on front
Sunday bulletins with the CNN logo
Free Perrier at all baptisms
Church flag football team sponsored by the NFL

OBITUARY 
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the 
name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years. 
No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records 
were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered 
as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come 
in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life 
isn't always fair. 
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies 
(don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies 
(adults, not kids, are in charge). 
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but 
overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment 
for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using 
mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an 
unruly student, only worsened his condition. 
It declined even further when schools were required to get 
parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not 
inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted
to have an abortion. 
Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the 
Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became 
businesses; and criminals received better 
treatment than their victims. 
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed
to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a 
bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement. 
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, 
Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; 
and his son, Reason. 
He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and I'm a Whiner. 
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. 
If you still know him pass this on, if not join the majority and do nothing.

Dr. Schwartz decided to take a week off from the pressures
of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he
reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling:
moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.
Fortunately, Dr. Schwartz was able to jump into a cave
just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had
matches with him and was able to light a fire.
Hours later, when everyone but Dr. Schwartz had returned,
a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several
hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to
investigate.
Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers
yelled, "Dr. Schwartz, are you there? It's the Red Cross."
Bristling, the harried doctor called back, 
"I already gave at the office!"

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck 
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer) 
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of 
pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if 
I weren't there for the day. 
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose 
before it melted in storage 
I would have talked less and listened more. 
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the 
carpet was stained, or the sofa faded. 
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room a
nd worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted 
to light a fire in the fireplace. 
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather 
ramble about his youth. 
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried 
by my husband. 
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up 
on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed. 
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains. 
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television 
and more while watching life. 
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, 
wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime. 
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have 
cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment 
growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist 
God in a miracle. 
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 
"Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." 
There would have been more "I love you's." More "I'm sorry's." 
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every 
minute...look at it and really see it . live it .and never give it back. 
Stop sweating the small stuff. 
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, 
or who's doing what. 
Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those
 who do love us. 
Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with. 
And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves 
mentally, physically, emotionally. 
I hope you all have a blessed day. 
Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen. 
Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella. 
Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister 
(Mum I can't go to school looking like this!) 
Age 20: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, 
too short/too tall, too straight/too curly"- but decides she's 
going out anyway. 
Age 30: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too 
short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't 
have time to fix it, so she's going out anyway. 
Age 40: She looks at herself and sees "clean" and goes out anyway. 
Age 50: She looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes 
wherever she wants to go. 
Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the 
people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. 
Goes out and conquers the world. 
Age 70: She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, 
goes out and enjoys life. 
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes 
out to have fun with the world. 

This last entry not HUMOR, just FYI
An Attorney's Advice  
Read this and make a copy for your files in case you need to refer 
to it someday. Maybe we should all take some of his advice! 
A corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company: 
The next time you order checks have only your initials (instead of first name) 
and last name put on them. 
If someone takes your check book they will not know if you sign your 
checks with just your initials  or your first name but your bank will know 
how you sign your checks. 
When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts, 
DO NOT put the complete account number on the "For" line. Instead, 
just put the last four numbers. The credit card company knows the rest
of the number and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes
through all the check processing channels won't have access to it. 
Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home phone. 
If you have a PO Box use that instead of your home address. 
Never have your SS# printed on your checks (DUH!) you can add 
it if it is necessary. But if you have it printed, anyone can get it. 
Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine, do both 
sides of each license, credit card,  etc. You will know what you had 
in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to 
call and cancel. 
Keep the photocopy in a safe place. I also carry a photocopy of my 
passport when I travel either here or abroad. 
We've all heard horror stories about fraud  that's committed on us 
in stealing a name, address, Social Security number, credit cards,  etc. 
Unfortunately I, an attorney, have firsthand knowledge because my 
wallet was stolen last month. 
Within a week, the thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly cell phone
package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved 
to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number from DMV to 
change my driving record information online, and more. 
But here's some critical information to limit the damage in case this 
happens to you or someone you know: 
We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately. 
But the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy  
so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them easily. 
File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where it was stolen, 
this proves to credit providers you were diligent, and is a first step 
toward an investigation (if there ever is one). 
But here's what is perhaps most important: (I never even thought to do this). 
Call the three national credit reporting organizations immediately to place 
a fraud alert on your name and Social Security number. 
I had never  heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to 
tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. 
The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your 
information was stolen and they have to contact you by phone to 
authorize new credit. 
By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, 
all the damage had been done. 
There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' 
purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. 
Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves 
threw my wallet away this weekend.(someone turned it in). 
It seems to have stopped them in their tracks. 
The numbers are:  
Equifax: 1-800-525-6285 
Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742 
Trans Union: 1-800-680-7289 
Social Security Administration (fraud line):  1-800-269-0271  
We pass along jokes on the Internet; we pass along just about everything. 
Pass this information along. It could really help someone you care about