"Never judge a book by its movie" - J.W. Eagan "Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even." -- Will Rogers "Trial by jury is the palladium of our liberties. I do not know what a palladium is, but I am sure it is a good thing!" -- Mark Twain "No one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more thoroughly than the one who's giving it." -- Hal Chadwick With ice covering his vessel's exterior, the old captain was experiencing a hard ship. One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..." "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now." Sign behind counter at video rental store: "We are sorry to report that we are all out of 'That Movie With That Guy Who Was in That Other Movie.' There was some confusion when ordering from our distributor. Thank You" A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here, on the swing." The EXPERTS speak.......... Electric Light - "good enough for our transatlantic friends, but unworthy of the attention of practical or scientific men" British Parliment report on Edison's work, 1878. The Telephone - "That's an amazing invention, but who would ever want to use one of them?" Pres. Rutherford Hayes, 1876 Television - "People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night." Darryl F. Zanuck, head of Twentieth Century-Fox, 1946. Computers - "There is no reason for any individual to have computer in their home." Ken Olson, Pres. of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 Aviation - "The popular mind often pictures gigantic flying machines speeding across the Atlantic and carrying innumerable passengers...it seems safe to say that such ideas are wholly visionary." Harvard astronomer Wm. Henry Pickering, 1908. Nuclear energy - "Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years." vacuum cleaner manufacturer, Alex Lewyt, 1955. Medicine - "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will be forever shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". leading British surgeon Sir John Erichsen, 1837. A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases. When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?" he answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish." Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin." A little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?" "No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time. The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the brakes, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady." "Is this Oriskany Falls?" "YES!" he bellowed. "Now GET OUT!!" "Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill." How do you get to heaven? I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD." A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting Flies" he responded. "Oh!, Killing any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males and 2 females", he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on TV remote and 2 were on the phone." A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine. The soldier, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible. The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. "That's fine," he said. "Report for work at 8 tomorrow." "But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked. The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine." Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says, "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish." The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to live in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and married to a beautiful woman who worships me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas. The software engineer went next. "I would like to live on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and married to a beautiful woman who worships me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean. Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager. How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue.. and then you add eggs and sugar... and you get cake? Where did the glue go? NEED AN ANSWER? You know darn well where it went! That's what makes the cake... Stick to your BUTT!!!! As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!" Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl." "Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did." When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this. On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins - Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested" Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson." HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS! Books To Read Strategic Defense in the Space Age by Ray Gunn Manned Planetary Expeditions Vol. 1: Mercury by Hugo Furst Projectile Motion by Fah Ling The Complete Do-It-Yourself Guide to Amateur Astronomy by I.C. Stars The Physics of Rotation by S. Pining Science Education Today by I. Noah Little The Statistical Variations of Scantron Test Keys by Noah Lot Computers by Kent Standm REAL LIFE COMPANY QUOTES 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.) 2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) 3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, ElectricBoat Company) 4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing 3M Corp.) 6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers) 7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) 11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.) 12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation) A Poem For Computer Users Over 50!!! A Computer was something on TV, From a science fiction show of note, A Window was something you hated to clean, And a Ram was the father of a goat. Meg was the name of a girlfriend, And Gig was a job for the nights, Now they all mean different things, And that really Mega Bytes. An Application was for employment, A Program was a TV show, A Cursor used profanity, A Keyboard was a piano. A Memory was something that you lost with age, A CD was a bank account, And if you had a 3-inch floppy You hoped nobody found out. Compress was something you did to the garbage, Not something you did to a file, And if you Unzipped anything in public, You'd be in jail for a while. Log On was adding wood to the fire, Hard Drive was a long trip on the road, A Mouse pad was where a mouse lived, And a Backup happened to your commode. Cut you did with a pocket knife, Paste you did with glue, A Web was a spider's home, And a Virus was the flu. I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper, And the Memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a Computer crash, But when it happens they wish they were dead. Three goobers, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were walking home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave. Bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Bubba. Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia." A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to Morris, the circus impresario. "I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you." He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground landing softly on the toe of one foot. Morris stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?" Airline humor - Chats between Pilots and Control Tower These are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world. 1. While taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to move! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: Wasn't I married to you once? 2. A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." 3. From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" 4. Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers" 5. The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206". Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land." 6. O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight." 7. A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."