It is no use walking anywhere to preach unless we preach as we walk. St. Francis of Assisi “For those who have fought for it, life has a special meaning the protected will never know.” Author unknown. Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming --- WOW -- WHAT A RIDE! "My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth." "Really? What did he get?" "Fifteen years." A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?" His response was, "My mother can." The teacher replied, "Really?" The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home." A young city boy visiting a dude ranch wanted to be appear macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, "Say, isn't that fine-looking bunch of cows over there." The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' it's 'herd.'" "Heard what?" "Herd of cows." "Sure, I've heard of cows!" finished the city boy excitedly, "there's a big bunch of 'em right over there." Canaries... A lady went to a pet shop. "I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner. "We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets. "That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated. But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet." One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?" Effective Phone Repair... Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told them there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine... except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call. A repairman arrived within the hour! Who is your doctor? a. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000. b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000. c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171(US Dept. of Health & Human Services) Then think about this: a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000 (yes, eighty-million!). b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500. c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188. Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand. As a public service, I have omitted the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention Biblical Spokespersons What if Biblical characters could be recruited as high-tech promoters? Consider the following tech advocates and their ad slogans: Noah for Match.com: We can find a mate for anything. Why not you? Moses for the Excedrin Headache Resource Center (Excedrin.com): Take two tablets and call me in the morning. The dove for UPS.com: Guaranteed delivery in 40 days and 40 nights. Adam and Eve for Dell: No Apples for us. We've learned the hard way. Solomon for Microsoft: Don't cut the baby in half. Joseph for Nikon Coolpix: Only Nikon can capture the 36-bit color of my megapixel dreamcoat. Methuselah for AARP.org: Life begins at 960. Pharaoh for Symantec: If only we'd had Norton AntiPlague 2002 in 2002 .... B.C.E. Job for NASDAQ: 'Nuff said. A store that sells husbands has just opened in San Diego. At this store, a woman may choose a husband from a selection of men. The store is comprised of 6 floors,and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, BUT if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day. "A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts." - Washington Irving (1783-1859) Read The Label It was in the early 1960's and spray deodorant, new to the market, was being advertised on television about six times a day. I was still living at home with my parents saving money for college. One afternoon after a hard day of construction and before dinner I took a nice hot shower. After drying off I spotted a new spray can on the bathroom shelf. The label read "SafeGuard" and I was so surprised that my mom had bought some of that new deodorant so I sprayed a liberal amount under each arm. When I entered the kitchen, where mom was fixing dinner, I thanked her for getting some new spray deodorant but also complained that it was pretty sticky and I didn't know if I really liked it yet. Her response still rings in my ears - "I didn't buy any spray deodorant, but I did buy some of that new bandage spray, SafeGuard!" After shaving my armpits in order to lift my arms and hours of laughing by my entire family I realized that RightGuard and SafeGuard were not the same thing. After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia." Church Repairs... The minister and the church board called a special meeting of the congregation to explain some desperate needs of the building that had to be fixed before winter set in - roof, boiler, etc. "The board approved that we should take a special offering today to get these repairs underway right away. As they pass the plates to you, I promise that the one who gives the greatest offering will be allowed to pick 3 hymns for next week's service." The plates were passed and brought to the minister, who discovered a $1,000 bill on top. "Oh my!, how wonderful! Who gave this $1,000 bill?" A little old lady in the back shyly raised her hand. "Oh Mabel, how generous you are! How blessed we are! Come up and let us thank you!" When Mabel got to the front with all the applause of the congregation, the minister invited her to select the hymns she wanted. Mabel slowly turned around to face the congregation, stretched out her arm and said, "I pick him! And him! And him!" Entering Heaven Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive." If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles: 1.. The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle House 2.. The North has dating services, The South has family reunions. 3.. The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails. 4.. The North has double last names, The South has double first names. 5.. The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms. 6.. The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races. 7.. The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits. 8.. The North has green salads, The South has collard greens 9.. The North has lobsters, The South has crawfish. 10.. The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt. In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store. Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's is plural possessive. Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?" Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," as in "big'ol" truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim. In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. 'Bout that bacon grease...I'll get back to ya' on that one... Canadian Temperatures 1. 50 degrees Fahrenheit (10 degrees C) Californians shiver uncontrollably, Canadians plant gardens. 2. 35 degrees Fahrenheit (1.6 degrees C) Italian cars won't start, Canadians drive with the windows down. 3. 32 degrees Fahrenheit (0 degrees C) American water freezes, Canadian water gets thicker. 4. 0 (zero) degrees Fahrenheit (-17.9 degrees C) New York City landlords finally turn on the heat, Canadians have the last barbecue of the season. 5. -60 degrees Fahrenheit (-51 degrees C) Mt. St. Helens freezes, Canadians Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door. 6. -100 degrees Fahrenheit (-73 degrees C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole, Ottawa canal opens for skating. 7. -173 degrees Fahrenheit (-114 degrees C) Ethyl alcohol freezes, Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg. 8. -460 degrees Fahrenheit (-273 degrees C) Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops, Canadians start saying "cold eh?" 9. -500 degrees Fahrenheit (-295 degrees C) Hell freezes over, Canucks win the Stanley Cup. An HMO Manager Goes to Heaven. . . Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter." The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in. The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too." But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."