"Don't just count your years, make your years count." - Ernest Meyers A group of scientists in Boston announced that they have successfully grown human teeth in a laboratory for the very first time. This is great news for dentists, and even better news for guests on the Jerry Springer Show. The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday. Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction. You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says, "Today is Nerd Day at school, Pop. Can I borrow some of your clothes?" "I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon." "I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied. "It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child." A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy. "I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country..." "Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and it's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world." The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?" "Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck." FROM VARIOUS CHURCH BULLETINS "The best vitamin for a Christian is B1." "Under same management for over 2000 years." "Soul food served here." "Tithe if you love Jesus. Anyone can honk!" "You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving." "Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!" "Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church." "We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages instead of the age of rocks." "Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are." "Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!" "Come early for a good back seat." "Life has many choices. For eternity, two. What's yours?" "Seven days without prayer makes one weak." "No Jesus --- no peace. Know Jesus --- know peace!" "Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due." "A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash." "Walmart isn't the only saving place!" "Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary." "Delay is preferable to error." "Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible." "It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees." "What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?" "A clear conscience makes a soft pillow." "The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday." "Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive." "Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings." "Forbidden fruit creates many jams." "Christians, keep the faith... But not from others!" "Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies." "If you do not want to reap the fruits of sin, stay out of the devil's orchard." "May is God's apology for February." "To belittle is to be little." "God answers kneemail." "Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back." More Church Bulletin Bloopers* "The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'" "During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit." "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience.'" "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice." "Stewardship Offertory: 'Jesus Paid It All'" "The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth." SOME RAMBLINGS of a RETIRED MIND! I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it. I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it, "Pumping Rust." I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease ...that's when your chest is falling into your drawers! You know when people see the cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!" Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me...they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve. As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me. The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten "the Book," since I had so many in my room. One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?" I exlained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting neutered today," I told him. "Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels." Hunting Prayer The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe." As I've Matured... I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in... I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off. I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things. I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back. I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity. I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it. I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away and the real pains in the ass are permanent. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. "The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's 'Hamlet' in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy." "The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her." "22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why." "A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday." "Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir." "On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better." EVER WONDER where we are headed... ...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? ...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? ...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? ...why "abbreviated" is such a long word? ...why doctors call what they do "practice"? ...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98? ...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? ...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? ...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? ...who tastes dog food when it has a "new &improved" flavor? ...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes? ...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? ...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box? ...why sheep don't shrink when it rains? ...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? ...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? ...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe? AND... In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down. " (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...) On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." The Democrats are complaining on how long the war is taking but consider this: It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation. It took less time to find Saddam's sons in Iraq than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records. It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Teddy Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sunk at Chappaquiddick. It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida!!!!!! A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!" The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!" The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase. The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no...."..."Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN." The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff. "HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man. Cooking Terms Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow. Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid. Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat. Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE." Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed. Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry. Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment. Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food. Bad Day The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking." The pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? 'The System' Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza House. May I have your..." Customer: "Haloo, can I order.." Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?" Customer: "It's eh..., hold on......6102049998-45-54610" Operator : "OK... you're... Mr. Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 014 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir? Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?" Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir" Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..." Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir" Customer: "How come?" Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir" Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?" Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokier Mea Pizza.You'll like it" Customer: "How do you know for sure?" Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokier Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir" Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost? Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99 Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?" Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October last year" Operator : "That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan Sir. Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw Some cash before your guy arrives" Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today" Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?" Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..." Customer: " What !" Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a Scooter,...registration number E1123..." Customer: " *'!^ *%^**%^I7*" Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 You were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... Customer: [Speechless] Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?" Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?" Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "