A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked
her what had happened to her ears.
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but
instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the
iron and stuck it to my ear."
Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened
to the other ear?"
"The stupid guy called back!"

Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges.
When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so
instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other.
Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"
 "Guilty."
 "That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court."
 Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places.
"How do you plead?" asked Tyler.
 "Guilty."
 Tyler reflected for a moment.  "These reckless driving cases are
becoming all too common of late," he pointed out.  "In fact, this is the
second such incident in the last quarter hour.  That'll be two hundred
dollars and ten days in jail."


OLDER THAN DIRT, HUH? 
"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "what was your favorite 
fast food when you were growing up?" 
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up, all the food was slow." 
I informed him. 
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?" He asked. 
"It was a place called 'at home," I explained. 
"Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, 
we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what 
she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it." 
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to 
suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how 
I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other 
things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his 
system could have handled it: 
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot 
on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. 
In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. 
The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears 
AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died. 
My parents never drove me to soccer practice, This was mostly because 
we had never heard of soccer. 
I had a bicycle that weighed around 50 lb. with only 1 speed, (slow). 
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my 
grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, 
but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. 
The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, 
like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that 
had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. 
Some people had a lens taped to the front of their TVs to make the 
picture look larger. 
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." 
I burned the roof of my mouth & the cheese slid off, swung down 
& plastered itself against my chin burning it also. It's still the best 
pizza I ever had. 
We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our 
family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine." 
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house 
was in the living room. It was on a party line, so before dialing, 
you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know 
weren't already using the line. 
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. 
All newspapers were delivered by boys & all boys delivered 
newspapers I delivered newspapers, 6 days a week. It cost 7 cents 
a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM 
every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my 
customers My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 
cents & told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers 
were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day. 
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the 
movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called 
French kissing & they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what 
they did in French movies. French movies were dirty & we weren't 
allowed to see them. 
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may 
want to share some of these memories with your children or 
grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing. 
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it? 

MEMORIES from a friend : 
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in 
December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. 
In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. 
I knew immediately what it was, but Katie had no idea. 
She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. 
I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 
"sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. 
Man, I am old. 


Recently in Traffic Court a man who received an expensive parking ticket 
testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there.
The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him 
again, and the man replied that he would.
The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes 
you $57. Next."

Two stockbrokers went to lunch. The one said to the other, "Let's relax while 
we eat and talk about something other than the market for once."
"Good idea. Let's talk about women."
"Okay... common or preferred?"

As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League 
baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind 
the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was. 
"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.
"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."
"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. 
"Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new 
substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a 
locker. I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"
Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support. 
"Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?" He lifted his head and replied,
"I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it 
was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some 
people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man 
to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so 
they changed positions.
Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame 
for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe 
they both should walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk
when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the 
critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride.
They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such 
a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe 
the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into 
the river and drowned.
The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually 
lose your ass.

"Crossing Border"
An elderly couple was crossing the Canadian border to go to their winter 
recluse in Florida. At the crossing they were stopped by an over-zealous 
border guard, on his first day at work. He commenced to ask the couple a 
battery of questions.
The husband, on behalf of his almost deaf wife, answered the barrage of queries.
Officer: "Where are you going?"
Husband: "We're on vacation and going to Florida."
Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"
Husband: "He wants to know where we're going."
Officer: "How long will you be gone?"
Husband: "About one month."
Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"
Husband: "He wants to know how long we'll be gone."
Officer: "Where are you from?"
Husband: "We're from Toronto, Ontario."
Officer: "Toronto, huh. I was there once. Nice city. 
Had the worst romantic experience in my life."
Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"
Husband: "He says he knows you!"

Funny Quotes
"On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to 
put a check mark about three inches away." -- Tom Lehrer
"Experts at Guinness have announced that a man in India has set a new world 
record for having the most cement blocks smashed on his groin. 
The old record was none." -- Jay Leno
"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. 
And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down.'" --Bob Newhart

Top Ten of Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship
10. Do these steps go up or down?
9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?
6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?
5. Does the ship make its own electricity?
4. Is it salt water in the toilets?
3. What elevation are we at?
2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays
 them the next day... the question asked...If the pictures aren't marked, how 
will I know which ones are mine?
1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?

"Fred's Inspirational Note" (Warning, this joke might be older than you are.)
Fred was in the hospital, very sick, so the family sent for his pastor. 
As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, 
and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Fred used his 
last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. The pastor thought it 
best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket.
Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. 
He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day 
Fred died. "You know," he said, "Fred handed me a note just before he 
died. I haven't read it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of 
inspiration there for us all." He unfolded the note and read aloud, 
"You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter 
approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten 
her boots. "Tina," I commented, "I see you got new boots! 
Where did you get them?"
"At the store," she answered.
"Which one?" I asked.
She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them!"

A Woman' Single Life
As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly 
about my relationship (or lack thereof) status by my friends, relatives, and 
co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.
In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"
In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet ?"
Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"

Snake Defense
The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers 
who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an 
anaconda.
Now an anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa 
constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and 
four hundred pounds at the maximum. 
This is what the manual said:
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. 
The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs 
tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from 
the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your 
feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. 
You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little 
movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide 
it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and 
your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these 
questions. However, women will also benefit by reviewing them, so that they 
get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, 
and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic 
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated 
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply 
of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently 
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence
B. Idealism
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for 
narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope (but not on the lips)!
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really 
sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
5 You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, 
and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of 
you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers 
when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really 
loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your 
relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; 
only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.
What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't 
want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly 
say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you 
don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to 
spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world 
has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when 
she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her 
eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get 
your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "We have three of them?"
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so 
large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has 
to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the 
garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, 
(but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear.
9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact 
that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they 
finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. 
He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in 
over two years."
The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not
looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in 
all that time."
"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, 
I'm going to throw him a big party."

A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, 
to the photographer. She wanted to know if the photographer could 
remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do
 that, and asked her what side of his head her husband parted his hair on.
"I forgot," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."