This is a funny web site! View it and try not to smile !!!
http://www.thestatenislandboys.com/All_da_Crap_is_here/Sony%20Pic%20Taking.swf

"Accept good advice gracefully--as long as it doesn't interfere with what you intended 
to do in the first place." -- Gene Brown 

The below link to the Iraq Camp Victory "Hard Corps Chorale" in Iraq needs no 
explanation.  Just enjoy and appreciate the hard work all these brave young warriors 
are doing, and pray for their safe return.
http://www.ahs57sandies.com/Iraq-2.html
NOTE: This is a big big file, it takes quite a while to load on dial-up
If you're a broadband, ENJOY ! Patience pays off, get some Kleenex


An American was golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland. 
He slices his opening drive out of bounds onto the beach, so he tees 
another one up and smacks it right down the middle. 
The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that in America 
that is called a "Mulligan" and asks him if there is a name for it in Scotland. 
The caddy replies, "AYE, we call it a three." 


Sermon Interpretation  
One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. 
Her daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts." 
Needless to say, Mom was perplexed. 
Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea. 
Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. 
He said, "Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming."  


Don't mess with seniors !
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was
two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. 
"Sounds good," my wife said.  "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents
because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" 
My wife asked incredulously.  "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.  
She took the two eggs home.


President's "Manure"   
Harry Truman, when he was U.S President, once addressed the Washington 
Garden Club and kept referring to 'good manure' that must be used on flowers. 
Some society ladies complained (later) to the First Lady Margaret Truman, 
"Bess, can't you get the President to say fertilizer instead of manure?" 
The First Lady replied, "Heavens, it took me 25 years to get him to say 'manure'." 

 
The Old Hotel   
As a history buff, I was looking forward to staying in a hotel in Salisbury, England, 
that dated back to the 13th century. But when I arrived, the hotel clerk gave me some 
bad news--my room was in the new section. Disappointed, I asked when the 'new' 
section had been built. 
"In the 1600s," she replied apologetically. 

 
Points to Ponder   
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you 
and the fast people always end up behind you. 
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? 
One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause. 
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running 
around with tattoos? 

 
The Switchman   
A guy named Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad, and undergoes weeks 
of training. The supervisor then takes him into the switch booth to test his readiness. 
The following exchange takes place: 
Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train 
coming from the North on that track, and another coming from the South on the same
track. What would you do?" 
Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track." 
Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?" 
Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switchlever there, putting 
one train on the other track." 
Supervisor: "And what if that switchlever didn't work?" 
Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains." 
Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?" 
Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street and use their phone." 
Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?" 
Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe." 
Supervisor: "Uncle Joe??? What would he do?" 
Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck." 
 

Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known 
for its hot lingerie.  To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for.   
Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same 
nightgown.  This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still
have a very "with it" attitude.   
"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20 something behind me. 
"Yes," she replied.  "I'm getting this for my grandmother for Christmas."  


A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. 
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. 
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the  customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had  been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your  passport ready."
Mr. Whiting replied, "The last time I was here, I didn't  have to show my passport"
"Impossible. Americans always have to show  your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the  French custom officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained: "Well,  when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 
1944 to help liberate this  country, I couldn't find any damn Frenchmen to show it to!"


A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash, and the barman says, 
"Geez, that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but
I bet my Rottweiler would beat the heck out of it." Fifty bucks is laid down. 
Out in the yard, the Rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his Pit Bull will win, but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and, when it's all over, there are bits of Pit Bull Terrier 
all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, "Say, what breed is that anyway?"
The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink, it was the same breed
as every other alligator."


A Scotsman named Cam goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a 
tooth extraction. "$85 for an extraction sir." was the dentist's reply.
"Och... huv ye no got anythin' cheaper?" replies Cam getting agitated.
"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir." said the dentist.
"What about if ye din't use any anesthetic?" asked Cameron hopefully.
"Well it's highly unusual sir, could be quite painful, but if that's 
what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70." said the dentist.
"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still 
without anesthetics?" asked Cam.
"Well it's possible, but they are only training, and I can't guarantee their level 
of professionalism, and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we 
can bring the price down to say $40." said the dentist.
"Och... that's still a bit much, how about if ye make it a trainin' session and 
have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin'?" 
asked Cam hopefully.
"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge 
you only $5 in that case." said the dentist.
"Now yer talkin' laddie!  It's a deal." said Cam.  
"Can you confirm an appointment for the wife on Tuesday?"


Did you enjoy the web site at the top of this issue of SMILERS ?
There are a lot more on this following page:
http://www.thestatenislandboys.com/All_da_Crap_is_here/


This last one is not humor, but some good advice ...... READ IT !

Attorney's Advice 
Read this and make a copy for your files in case you need to refer to it
someday.  A corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees
in his company.  We should all take some of his advice!

1. The next time you order checks have only your initials (instead of
first name) and last name put on them.  If someone takes your checkbook,
they will not know if  you sign your checks with just your initials or your
first name, but your bank will know how you sign your checks.

2. When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts,
DO NOT put the complete account number on the "For" line.  Instead, just
put the last four numbers.  The credit card company knows the rest of the
number, and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all
the check processing channels won't have access to it.

3. Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home phone.
If you have a PO Box use that instead of your home address.  If you do not
have a PO Box, use your work address.  Never have your SS# printed on your
checks. (DUH!)  You can add it if it is necessary.  But if you have it
printed, anyone can get it.

4. Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine.  Do
both sides of each license, credit card, etc.  You will know what you had in
your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and
cancel.
Keep the photocopy in a safe place.  I also carry a photocopy of my
passport when I travel either here or abroad.  We've all heard horror stories
about fraud that's committed on us in stealing a name, address, Social
Security number, credit cards.  Unfortunately, I, an attorney, have firsthand
knowledge because my wallet was stolen last month.  Within a week, the
thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for
a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer,
received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information
online, and more.

But here's some critical information to limit the damage in case this
happens to you or someone you know:

1. We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately.
But the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so
you know whom to call.  Keep those where you can find them.

2. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where your
credit cards, etc. were stolen.  This proves to credit providers you
were diligent, and this is a first step toward an investigation (if there
ever is one).

But here's what is perhaps most important of all : (I never even thought
to do this.)

3. Call the 3 national credit reporting organizations immediately to
place a fraud alert on your name and  Social Security number.  I had
never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an
application for credit was made over the Internet in my name.  The
alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was
stolen, and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit.  By the
time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the
damage had been done.   There are records of all the credit checks initiated
by the thieves' purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the
alert.
Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw
my wallet away.  (This weekend someone turned it in).  It seems to have
stopped them dead in their tracks.

Now, here are the  numbers you always need to contact about your
wallet, etc. has been stolen:
     1.)  Equifax: 1-800-525-6285
     2.)  Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742
     3.)  Trans Union: 1-800-680-7289
     4.)  Social Security Administration (fraud line):  1-800-269-0271