Remember to old days? Try this page
http://www.thestatenislandboys.com/U_thrill_me/ 


Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central 
Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago. 
"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, 
"and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m." 
"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked. 
The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?" 
"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off." 


"Nice dog. What's its name?" I asked my friend's 10-year old son. 
"Bob," he said. 
"And what's your cat's name?" 
"Bob." 
"Well, how do you keep them straight?" I asked. 
"Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker," the boy answered. 
"Go ahead and tell him your rabbit's name," his father suggested. 
The kid smiled and said... "Dennis Hopper." 


Driving along an outback road in Australia, I spied an exotic bird flying overhead. 
The creature was black, with a huge and striking red-and-gold beak. 
"Hey, look! A toucan!" I yelled. 
"Toucan nothin'," said the Aussie passenger.
"It's a crow with its beak stuck in a McDonald's fries' carton." 


There was this truck driver who had to deliver five hundred penguins 
to the state zoo.  As he was driving his truck through the desert, the truck 
breaks down.  After waiting by the side of the road for about three hours he 
waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins 
to the state zoo for him. 
The next day the first truck driver arrives in town and sees the second truck 
driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him. 
The first truck driver jumps out of his truck and says, "What's going on?
I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"
The second truck driver replies, "I did take them to the zoo.  
And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie." 


A worried Mrs. Melnik sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened 
with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. 
"How are you, darling?" it said.  "What kind of a day are you having?" 
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, 
"I've had such a bad day.  The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. 
I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and 
I have to hobble around.  On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to 
have two couples to dinner tonight." 
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy.  
"Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes.  
I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook 
your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be 
at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying.
I'll do everything.  In fact, I'll even call Morty at the office and tell him he ought 
to come home and help out for once." 
"Morty?" said the housewife.  "Who's Morty?" 
"Why, Morty!  Your husband!  ....Is this 555-1374? 
"No, this is 555-1375." 
"Oh, I'm sorry.  I guess I have the wrong number." 
There was a short pause and the housewife said, 
"Does this mean you're not coming over?" 


A pregnant woman from San Francisco got in a car accident and fell into a 
deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she 
is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.  
The doctor replies, "Congratulations, you had twins! A boy and a girl. 
When your brother heard about the accident, he came to San Francisco, 
since he was the closest relative we had him name them."  
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" 
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"  
"Denise."  
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"  
"Denephew."  


What Movies Have Taught Us 
1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large 
red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off. 
2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not
 be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do. 
3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower. 
4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security 
system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization. 
5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate. 
6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange 
noises in their most revealing underwear. 
7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men 
shooting at 1 man if he is the hero. 
8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint 
at least once. 
9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by 
single people with a low wage. 
10) The entire British population lives in London. 
11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; 
your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around 
you menacingly. 
12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words 
to the songs and the steps to the dances. 
13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary 
to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons. 


Two Drops of Water with Scotch
This story is for Senior Citizens. If you don't qualify, save a copy till you do. 
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch 
with two drops of water. 
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 
"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." 
The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. 
In fact, this one is on me." 
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 
"I would like to buy you a drink, too." 
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch 
with two drops of water." 
"Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, 
the man to her left says, 
"I would like to buy you one, too." 
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch 
with two drops of water." 
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 
"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. 
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" 
You're gonna like this one: 
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold 
your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue. 


You Know You Have A Bad Computer When . . . 
10. The lower corner of screen has the words "etch a sketch" on it. 
9. When you insert a disk, it spits out a pack of cigarettes. 
8. You have to pedal it. 
7. The manual contains one sentence: "good luck!" 
6. The only chip inside is a dorito. 
5. When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start howling. 
4. You catch a virus from it. 
3. Screen frequently freezes and message comes up: "Ain't it break time, Chester?" 
2. While running, it emits deafening calliope music. 
1. It cyber-snickers at you.  


I had just finished visiting a friend in the hospital and stopped by a burger 
drive-through for lunch to eat on the way back to work. I ordered the #1 combo 
(burger, fry, coke) for $4.29. She said "that'll be $4.83, please drive forward." 
"$4.83? For a $4.29 meal? That's 54 cents tax! That can't be right," my mind raced.
Tax is 8 cents on the dollar in Huntsville and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents 
plus 1/3 (29) of 8 cents would be 35 cents max. I'd heard of window workers 
overcharging drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves. 
Someone did just that to me at a Hardees couple of years ago. 
I didn't have my calculator watch (I lost it a while back) so I got a pen and paper 
and did the long division since there were 2 cars ahead of me. 
Let's see ... 483/429 ... over 12 percent tax! When I got to the window I handed 
her a 5 and said "what's the sales tax in Huntsville?" She didn't know. 
I said "$4.83 for a $4.29 meal is 12 percent tax. That can't be right. 
Can I talk to the manager?" She gave me my change and called the manager. 
So the manager comes over. I ask what the sales tax is in Huntsville, and she 
says 8 percent. I say that I just paid $4.83 for a $4.29 meal and that's over 12 
percent sales tax. 
She got a funny look on her face and said that maybe the computer had rung it up 
wrong or had charged me for the biggie size. (biggie upgrade was 35 cents - which 
would be 4.64 plus tax which would put it over $5). She admitted it was supposed
to be 4.63, and opened the drawer to give me my extra change. 
"HA!" I thought to myself. "Six years engineering school has so heightened my 
mental mathematical adeptness that I can do percentages in my head and my 
superior intellect has foiled a feeble attempt by a drive-through worker to 
overcharge me." 
I took the twenty cents she handed me, proud of my staggering genius, 
and smugly drove off without my food. 


Bill Gates - Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this!  
To anyone with  kids of any age, here's some advice.
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they
 did not and will not learn in school.
He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation 
of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure 
in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect
             you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.  
           You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.  Your Grandparents had
           a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about
           your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now.  
           They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and
           listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were.  
           So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's 
            generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, 
             but life HAS NOT. 
            In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as
           MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the
           slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters.  You don't get summers off and very
            few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. 
           Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life.  In real life people actually have to leave
               the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. 
               If you agree, pass it on.  

If you can read this; Thank a teacher! If you are reading it in English; Thank a veteran!