"If you have knowledge let others light their candles at it." - Thomas Fuller Quick Quotes "The only time you can't afford failure is the last time you try." --Charles Kettering "We don't have user-centricity. Until we understand context, which is way beyond presence--presence is the most trivial notion of context." --Bill Gates attempting to explain his company's .net initiative. "Boy there's a lot of changes in the nightly newscast. Tom Brokaw stepping down. Dan Rather stepping down. Soon the most trusted man in television could wind up being Geraldo Rivera." --Jay Leno A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?" "I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?" The assignment was to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. The only one who received an A+ was a young woman. Her story: Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it. Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car. Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!" A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?" Retirement For over 40 years, my grandfather put in long hours at his job, so I was more than a little curious about the way he filled his days since his retirement. "How has life changed?" A man of few words, he replied, "Well I get up in the morning with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half done." Anger versus Exasperation A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?" The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial". "See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father. "Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!" The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?" The Conch Light In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light in a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale it was the first thing she put out. I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out then finally bought it. "That will look great in your home," I said. "Oh it is not for me," she explained. "My bridge club is having a charity auction and we were asked to bring in the most hideous thing we can find. What I've got here is a winner." Staff Meeting Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit. Moses calls a staff meeting. Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us. The General of the Armies: Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time -- the Egyptians are too close. The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short. Moses: Does anyone have a solution? Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand. Moses: You! You have a solution? The PR Man -- No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament! My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run. After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him. "Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items." Mr. Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" Mr. Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor? Replied Mr. Lee, "No, from skipping." Bad Golf Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?" "Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?" "Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!" The Laws of Golf LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime. LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down. LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up" or else invoke the wrath of the universe. LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire. LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man. LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls. LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you? LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of power at the farthest point from the clubhouse. LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination. LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3). LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty. LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker." LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you. LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month. LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset. End of the World Headlines When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it? USA Today: WE'RE DEAD The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER Wired: THE LAST NEW THING Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR Readers Digest: 'BYE Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS? Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET! America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES. Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY Dementia Test Test for Dementia Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are. First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question. Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for answer. Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again... The Lion and the Mime One day an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"