"Evil is not something superhuman, it's something less than human." - Agatha Christie


Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests 
swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. 
After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,
"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?" 
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because," said the caddy.... "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"


"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 
'If I Were a Millionaire.'" 
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously. 
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" 
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied. 


My sister has the courage--but not always the skills--to tackle any home-repair project. 
For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix.  
So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Dianne, and I found our sister attacking
her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver. 
"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us. 
"Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?" Dianne suggested.


Ohio fliers   
The U.S. Postal Service issued a stamp honoring the one hundredth 
anniversary of the first flight by the Wright Brothers. 
The first man in powered flight was from Ohio. 
The first man ever to orbit Earth was from Ohio. 
And the first man on the moon was from Ohio. 
It sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio. 


The Short of a Story!   
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. 
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. 
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. 
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. 
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. 
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have. 


A Letter From School   
Dear Dad, 
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. 
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you like, you 
can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. 
Love,Your $on. 

A week later....the response from Dad arrived: 
Dear Son, 
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraghy are eNOugh to keep 
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge 
is a NOble task and you can never study eNOugh. 
Love, Dad. 

 
What I don't do...   
1. I don't do windows because ... 
I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt. 
2. I don't wax floors because ... 
I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves. I'll feel terrible and they may sue me. 
3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because .... 
they are very good company. I have named most of them, 
and they agree with everything I say. 
4. I don't disturb cobwebs because .... 
I want every creature to have a home of their own and hubby loves spiders. 
5. I don't Spring Clean because ... 
I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous. 
6. I don't plant a garden because ...
I don't want to get in God's way. He is an excellent designer. 
7. I don't put things away because ... 
my husband will never be able to find them again. 
8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ...
I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when 
they invite me over for dinner. 
9. I don't iron because ... 
I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press". 
10. I don't stress much on anything because ... 
"A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and
become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!! 
 

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. 
Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back. 
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a base- ball and a broken 
window sporting a baseball-sized hole. 
"How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy. 
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, 
the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!" 

 
Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the 
next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to 
the weight-lifting department. 
"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day." 
"I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your part," 
the father pointed out. 
"Please, Dad?" 
"They're not cheap either." 
"I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see." 
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door. 
From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, 
"What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!" 
 

Once my wife and I had to take a flight that had 4 other stops before arriving at 
the Dallas-Forth Worth Airport.  At the first stop, a little white truck drove up to
the plane and my wife watched it pull up to the wing.  
She asked, "What's that truck doing?" 
I explained that some airlines don't completely fuel up a plane for various 
reasons & we were taking on more fuel. This process was repeated at the next 
three stops, and my wife watched the plane being fueled each time. 
At the last stop, I said, "Ya know, in spite of all these delays, 
we're making pretty good time." 
My wife pointed out the window and said, "I don't know.  
That lil' white truck is keeping up with us.  

 
A couple went shopping at the mall. They decided to go their separate ways 
and meet two hours later. The husband was at their appointed meeting place 
at the appointed time, but there was no sign of his wife. After waiting for half 
an hour, he started looking for her but couldn't find her in any of the stores 
she usually frequented.  
Finally, thoroughly tired of looking for her, he approached a beautiful blonde 
on a mall bench.  He smiled at her and said, "Please, talk to me!  Quick!"  
She said, "Why?" 
"Because I've been looking for my wife all over this mall and 
I can't find her," the man replied. 
"How will talking to me help you find your wife?  
I have absolutely no idea what she looks like, much less where she is." 
"I didn't think you did.  
However, every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, my wife appears!"  


Funeral Procession   
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she 
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. 
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet 
behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking 
a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women 
walking single file. 
The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking 
the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to 
disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" 
"My husband's." 
"What happened to him?" 
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." 
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" 
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband 
when the dog turned on her." 
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. 
"Can I borrow the dog?" 
"Get in line." 


Expressions Explained   
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. 
One's image was either sculpted or painted. 
Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk 
with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. 
Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be 
painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. 
Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. 
Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." 

As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year 
(May and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their 
heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford 
good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them 
they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 
30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig." 
Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears 
to be or is powerful and wealthy. 

In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. 
Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for 
dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone 
else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, 
would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant 
you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair 
the "chair man." Today in business, we use the expression or title "Chairman" 
or "Chairman of the Board." 

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women 
and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread 
bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they 
were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's 
face she was told, "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the 
wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile." In addition, when they sat 
too close to the fire, the wax would melt...therefore, the expression losing face." 

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified 
woman, as in "straight laced," wore a tightly tied lace. 

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied 
when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades." 
To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. 
Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid 
or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck." 

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people 
considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios the politicians 
sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. 
They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and 
political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 
You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually 
combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip." 

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. 
A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. 
She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who 
was drinking in "quarts," hence the term minding your "P's and Q's." 

 
School Papers: A compilation of statements from actual grade school papers: 
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. 
They lived in the Sarah Dessert and the climate of the Sarah is such that the 
inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made unleavened 
bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount 
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. 
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. 
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't 
have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female moth. 
5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. 
6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. 
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death his 
career suffered a dramatic decline. 
7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans 
because they never stayed in one place for long. 
8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. 
The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be 
made King. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.' 
9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. 
Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense. 
10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple while 
standing on his sons head. 
11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a Queen she was a great success. 
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted 'hurrah.' 
12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable 
type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. 
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. 
13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. 
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. 
He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. 
He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. 
Romeo and Juliet are an example of heroic couplet. 
14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. 
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote 
Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 
15. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. 
Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. 
Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. 
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. 
Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the declaration 
of independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards 
and declared, 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.' 
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 
16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number 
of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. 
Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the 
world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and Half Italian and half English. 
He was very large. 
17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. 
He was so deaf he wrote loud music. 
He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. 
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this. 
18. The ninteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. 
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. 
The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. 
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. 
19. Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. 
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. 
Madam Curie discovered radio. 
And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. 
20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch- Duck by 
an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. 


A west Texas cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly
a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.  
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, 
will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully 
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his 
AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS 
satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to 
another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.  
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to 
an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives 
an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. 
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel 
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via 
an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.  
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 
"You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves" says the cowboy. 
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the 
young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, 
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party," says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. 
"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an 
answer I already know, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything 
about my business ... Now give me back my dog."