A minister is visiting his children to celebrate Christmas.  
When he walks into the house, he sees a beautiful nativity set. 
His granddaughter walks up to him, and he asks her if she knows what it is. 
She replies, "Yes...  it's breakable."  


"We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, 
some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors.... but 
they all have to learn to live in the same box." 


It was our pals birthday, so we decided to call him up and sing "Happy Birthday." 
Only trouble was we dialed the wrong number. 
"Don't let it bother you." said the voice on the other end, just before he hung up, 
"You need all the practice you can get." 


Only in America. Tim Allen had this to say about Martha Stewart:  
"Boy, I feel safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. & Kobe are walking around; 
Osama BinLaden, too, but they take the one woman in America 
willing to cook and clean and work in the yard and haul her butt to jail." 


There were two blondes who went deep into the woods searching 
for a Christmas tree. 
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, 
one blonde turned to the other and said, 
"I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!" 


One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, 
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, 
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. " You must park your car on
the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio Announcer says, 
"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." 
then the electric power goes out. 
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, 
"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on
so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are married
to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, 
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"


A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met a 
young lady of excellent character and virtue that interested him very much. 
What should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card 
invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great idea, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. 
His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."


Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about 
how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?" 
Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good.
I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question 
posed to my husband. 
He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95." 


Amanpreet had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown 
the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as
large and delicious as Preet was making it out to be. 
The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, 
they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of beef. 
To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest 
steaks they'd ever seen. 
"Now see here," a very embarrassed Preet said to the waiter. 
"Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. 
Today, though,when I have my friends about, you serve small steaks! 
What is the meaning of this???" 
"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window." 

 
Winter isn't cold, it's heat challenged 
The speed of time is one-second per second. 
I think of book-burning as "English lit" 
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 
Life is too short to proofread. 
Join the I.R.S. - Be Audit You Can Be! 
Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day? 
"If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, 
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that." 
"I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:
'This door is alarmed.' I said to myself: 'How do you think I feel?'" 
"I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat."  
 
 
Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station. 
"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem. 
"Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two." 
 
 
Sherlock and Watson   
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, 
and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. 
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." 
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." 
"What does that tell you?" 
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. 
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to 
be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord 
is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it 
seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" 
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 
"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent." 
 

Parenthood   
If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! 
Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and 
you get about the same results. 
The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side. 
Avenge yourself -- live long enough to be a problem to your children. 
The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide 
the keys to the car. 
Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds. 
The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children 
are finally in bed. 
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young
to borrow the family car. 
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell 
when he's really in trouble. 
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily 
wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren. 
There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone 
to do it, or forbid your children to do it. 
Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents. 
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the 
driveway during a snowstorm. 
Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, 
and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am. 
Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions 
because they know all the answers. 
An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children. 
 

Teacher Arrested...  (We found this funny only because of the play on words) 
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a
public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession 
of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. 
At a morning press conference, the U.S. attorney general said he believes the
man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. 
He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. 
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," the attorney general said. "They desire average 
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search 
of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to 
themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common 
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. 
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'." 
When asked to comment on the arrest, President George W. Bush said, 
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would 
have given us more fingers and toes!!!"  


Be a Kid Again   
Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today. 
Grow a milk mustache. 
Open a pack of cupcakes and give one to a friend even though 
you wanted both of them for yourself. 
Have a staring contest with your cat. 
Kiss a frog just in case. 
Make a face the next time somebody tells you "no." 
Ask "Why?" a lot. 
Believe in fairy tales. 
Have someone read you a story. 
Wear your favorite shirt with your favorite pants even if they don't match. 
Do a cartwheel. 
Hide your vegetables under your napkin. 
Make a "slurpy" sound with your straw when you get to the bottom of a milkshake. 
Sit really still for as long as the dog (or cat) is asleep in your lap. 
Find some pretty stones and save them. 
Stick your head out the car window and moo if you see a cow. 
Walk barefoot in wet grass. 
Giggle at nude statues in a museum. 
Make cool screeching noises every time you turn. 
Count the colors in a rainbow. 
Fuss a little, then take a nap. 
Take a running jump over a big puddle. 
Giggle a lot for no real reason. 
Do that tap-someone-on-the-shoulder-while-you-stand-on- their-opposite-
side-and-they-turn-around-and-no-one's- there thing. 
Enjoy your all-time favorite candy-bar. (Forget you've heard of calories!) 
Throw something and when it lands make a cool exploding bomb noise. 
Squish some mud between your toes. 
Buy yourself a helium balloon. 
Put an orange slice in your mouth, peel side out, and smile at people. 
Be a kid again... 

SMILE !