Americans are getting stronger.   
Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries.   
Today, a five-year-old can do it.  


Our five-year-old son went to a church conference with my wife and me. 
He got restless, so my wife handed him a pad and pencil and suggested 
he mark down every time the speaker said the word "and." 
After a while, he grew bored, and I asked, 
"Would you like to listen for a different word?" 
"Yes," he whispered. "I'd like to listen for 'Amen'." 


My daughter's third-grade teacher had assigned the children to write a 
story titled "My Biggest Surprise."  
Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina's work. It read: 
"I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy and Daddy's bed and hopped in.  
But it wasn't Mommy at all.  It was Mrs.  Del Campo!" 
What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs. Del Campo 
late at night to stay with our children while I took my wife to the hospital 
to have our third child.


Wanted - A Grandkid! 
A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters 
and their spouses gathered for a family reunion. 
"Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh.   
"Why, I'll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little 
one to bounce on my knee.  Now, let's say grace." 
When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table.


Heavenly Matrimony
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. 
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter 
to process them into Heaven. 
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? 
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. 
This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer. for a couple of months. While they 
waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, 
SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. 
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't 
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard to the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a preacher 
up here - do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?" 


Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and,
being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he 
started Kindergarten.  She walked him to school the couple of days, 
but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her 
walking him to school everyday.  He wanted to be like the "big boys." 
He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it.  
She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow 
her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, 
but close enough to keep a watch on him. 
Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, 
it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed. 
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out 
following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor 
boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and 
chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that
this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. 
Finally, he said to Timmy, 
"Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?" 
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is." 
The little friend said, "Well who is she?" 
"That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said. 
"Shirley Goodnest?  Who on earth is she and why is she following us?" 
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say 
the 23rd Psalm with my prayers cuz she worries about me so much. 
And in it, the prayer psalm says, 
"Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life."  
So I guess I'll just have to get used to it.  


Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, 
saved his pennies, and started a small business. 
It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. 
The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the 
bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted 
of two O's. 
He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private 
schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going 
nowhere just for show), .  .  .  you get the idea. 
One day his banker, Mr.  Smith, asked him to drop by. 
"So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously. 
Smith waved a bunch of checks at him.  
"Perhaps nothing," he said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side.  
These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 O's, but your signature 
of record has just 2." 
Greenberg looked embarrassed.  "I'm sorry about making trouble," 
he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a high-class rich guy, 
I should have a middle name!"  


These cat puns are both horrible and painful!  You were warned. 
What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck?
 - A duck filled fatty puss!
What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese?
 - He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath.
What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
 - There was some money in the kitty.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary?
 - Shredded tweet!
What do cat actors say in a Shakespearean play?
 - Tabby or not tabby! That is the question.
What is the only kind of work a weak cat can do?
 - Light mouse work
Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?
 - Because she wanted to mail the litter
Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
 - To a mewseum (!!!!)
What kind of cars do cats drive?
 - Catillacs
What does a cat get from watching too many Mickey Mouse films?
 - Disney Spells
Where did the first cats live?
 - Purr-sia and Paw-tugal
What do you get if you cross a parakeet with a cat?
 - A peeping Tom
Hear about the cat who was a tennis fan?
 - He had two brothers in the racket. 


Idaho!
The owner of a golf course in Idaho was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, 
"You graduated from the BSU and I need some help. 
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those Idaho women

A group of Idaho friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the 
day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the
weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Bubba?" the others asked.
"Bubba had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Bubba laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Bubba!

Regarding the year 2000, a senior at BSU was overheard saying, 
"when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Idaho." 
When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years 
later than the rest of the civilized world.

The young Boisean came running into the store and said to his buddy,
"Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young Boisean answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

NEWS FLASH! – Boise, ID ----- Idaho's worst air disaster occurred 
when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two BSU students, 
crashed into a cemetery earlier today in Boise.
Idaho search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and 
expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. 
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

A Idaho State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-84. 
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
Bubba replied, "Bout whut? 


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real state agent which 
direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking 
him up very morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" 
When another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the East
(and has for some time), she shook her head and said, 
"Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
 .... And then she voted!
I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got 
a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. 
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" 
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh ...  Pacific."
 .... And then he voted!
 So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we 
overheard one of the admin. assistants talking about the sunburn she got 
on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, 
but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
.... And then she voted!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat 
belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the passenger side door's map pocket.
.... And then she voted!
I was hanging out with a Liberal friend of mine when we saw a woman walk
by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 
"Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" 
I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same
distance apart no matter which way the head is turned!
.... And then she voted!
My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place 
last week and she asked the clerk which one of two sandwiches was better. 
The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more
expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, 
"If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?"
To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think they tax the turkey."
.... And then he voted!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost
luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. 
She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained 
professionals and I was in good hands.
"Now," She asked me, "has  your plane arrived yet?"
.... And then she voted!
So if these people are going to go vote, you better go vote too!


Safety Items for Women 
We can now add to the list of victims the retired 77 yr. old TCU professor 
from Ft Worth whose body was found last week in Oklahoma--and the 11 yr.old 
in Sarasota, FL. Because of these recent abductions in daylight hours, 
refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation...This is 
for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, everyone you 
know. After reading this, forward it to someone you care about. It never 
hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in. 
1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If 
you are close enough to use it, do! 
2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans. If a robber asks for 
your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you. 
chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, 
and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! 
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail 
lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The 
driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives. 
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, 
working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. 
DON'T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect 
opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, 
and tell you where to go .. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, 
LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. 
5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage: 
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side 
floor, and in the back seat. 
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger 
door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their 
vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars. 
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the 
passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you 
may want to walk back! into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to 
walk you back out. 
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. 
(And better paranoid than dead.) 
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible 
places to be alone and the perfect crime spot). 
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! 
The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even 
then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN! 
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP. It may get you 
raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well 
educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He 
walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle 
or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim. 
9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying 
baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because 
it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her "Whatever you 
do, DO NOT open the door." 
The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, 
and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The 
policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT 
open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry 
recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone 
dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several 
calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when 
they're home alone at night. 
Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby.----This 
e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was 
mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the 
serial killer in Louisiana. 
I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. 
A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this 
to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, 
daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well. 
Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world 
we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better to be safe than sorry. 
Shannon LaForge 
Courtroom Deputy to Judge Robert Junell