"By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates Quick Quotes "I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, Bob's on vacation. Would you like to hold?" "Failure is God's way of saying, 'Excuse me, you're moving in the wrong direction.'" --Oprah Winfrey "When they said to you at graduation, 'Follow your dream,' did anybody say you have to wake up first?" --Bill Cosby Little Johnny had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother's patience was wearing thin. "If I hear you call 'Mother' one more time, you will be punished," she warned him sternly. For a while it was quiet, and then she heart a small voice call from the top of the stairs, "Mrs. Jones? Can I have a drink of water?" One time a guy was riding along in his car and he saw a pig standing by the side of the road. Fearing that the pig might get hit by a car, he decided to pick it up and take it home. On the way a policeman saw the pig sitting in the back of the car, and pulls the guy over. He asks " "Where are you going with that pig?" The guy explains the situation and says he is taking the pig home. The policeman says," You can't do that. You take that pig to the zoo." So the guy goes on his way. A few days later, same policeman sees the same guy with the pig sitting in the back of his car. He pulls him over again and says, " I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!" The guy says, " Oh I did and we had so much fun, now we are going to Disneyland!" A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. Well, he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because It did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that Come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will Never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, But by WHO WE ARE. You are special - Don't EVER forget it." A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money, if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said. "You received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Dear Marty, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park, too. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter. Sincerely, Your future father-in-law. P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery! Esther has a heart attack and is taken to hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience, during which she sees God and asks if this is the end for her. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. As soon as she had recovered, Esther figured that since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well stay in the hospital and have the face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and tummy tuck that she had always promised herself. So she did and she even changed the color of her hair! But tragedy - some weeks later, as Esther is leaving the hospital, she is knocked over and killed by a car. When Esther arrives in front of God, she asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?". God replies, "I didn't recognize you." A Woman's Conversation About a Haircut: Oh! That's so cute! Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Oh goodness no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms. See how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. A Man's Conversation About a Haircut: Haircut? Yep. An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and comeback to haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......." My kinda woman Woops... At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax. One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained. When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?" "Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking it." Temperature A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal. For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical big shot. One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take your temperature, sir." After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer. "Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt. After the nurse finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you." The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering up and down the hall, laughing. At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare butt in the air and gawked. Finally, he asks, "What's going on here?" The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Not with a daffodil." Bank Robber A supposedly true story out of San Francisco (but who knows): A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Working Man Blues My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned . couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so ...they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because ...it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that ...was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but ...I just couldn't cut it. Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just ...didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I...couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found ...I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I...didn't have any patients. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I ...just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I ...couldn't live on my net income. Thought about becoming a witch, so I ...tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was ...just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I .wasn't up to it. So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I ...wasn't fit for the job. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I ...was discharged. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was ...no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. You know you're a redneck... 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a flyswatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took there. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You! go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls, all say "Cool Whip" on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000.00 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. What Men Call their Women What's in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here's what his pet name for you really means..... Darling -- Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money. Dear -- Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager. Sweetheart -- If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter. Babe -- Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car. Baby doll -- This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women. Princess -- Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings - they may be secretly plotting your over- throw. Sexy -- Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!! My girlfriend -- He's honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name! The wife -- If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you. My other half -- You complete the set - he's only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere. The missus -- See The Wife. My partner -- He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees. My significant other -- He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space. She who must be obeyed -- He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house.