"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings." "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain Q: What did Cinderella say when her holiday snapshots were late? A: "Someday my prints will come." Q. Why can't you play cards in the jungle? A. Because there's too many cheetahs! Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of your pumpkin by it's diameter? A: Pumpkin Pi Q: Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down? A: Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat. Ben: One of our pigs was sick so I gave him some sugar. Dan: Sugar! What for? Ben: Haven't you ever heard of sugar-cured ham? The Pasta Diet "HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE AMAZING NEW DIET?" "NO. WHAT'S INVOLVED?" "IT'S SO SIMPLE! YOU SIMPLY LEARN TO WALK PASTA DA REFRIGERATOR WITHOUT STOPPING, AND PASTA DA COOKIE JAR, AND PASTA DA CUPBOARD---" Some people REALLY love Christmas, me, I love Thanksgiving. Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department! Listening The teacher, during an English lesson, asked her students: "Now tell me, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?" Little Johnny, in the back row, raised his hand. "Yes, Johnny," said the teacher "A teacher!" Day Care A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum. "Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh." Eat Chocolate? A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week. Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds. So... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!! Mike and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each other the "silent treatment." But then Mike realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with some pals to go golfing. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the 'war'), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am." The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his friends had left for the golf course without him. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It's 5:00 am. Wake up." Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!" "A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "I'm not allowed up on the furniture." After several exciting dates, Jim invited Tina over to his house for a home-cooked dinner. When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life. "Have these dishes ever been washed?" Tina asked, running her fingers over the grit and grime. Jim replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them." Tina felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating. It was really delicious and she said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, Jim took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled for his dogs, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!" 10 Features of The Company Car Accelerates at a phenomenal rate. Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car. Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars. The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked. It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing. It needs cleaning less often than private cars. The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio. It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition. It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches. In the Guard... I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly- assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard. I work on a cutter that escorts cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges in California's Bay Area. But what my father told his friend was, "She's involved in some sort of escort service." The Top Ten Reasons God Made Women God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn't ask for directions. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.) God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone." And the No. 1 reason of all . . . God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: "I can do better than that" Little Josh was brought to Dr Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days. Dr Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail. Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere till you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave. " Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "Ok. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me." Dr Gill was ok with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh. Dr Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many, just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate. So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two and then Dr Gill eat half. Dr Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing barely managing to keep his cool said, "Ok, now eat!" Josh refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!" I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your stinking chain letters over the past years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern........ I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and it eats the paint off of cars. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise. I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer use my cell phone because I could spontaneously combust at a gas station while refueling my car. Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favor. If you DON'T send this to at least 5,000 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird will poop on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a...etc... Editor's Note: This last statement is sarcasm -- not to be taken seriously. An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and their avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the lawyer said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too." Doctor's Help? A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this." Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get." The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bar- tender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine. "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered. "On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good." "But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed. "Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!" A little guy is sitting at the bar just, staring at his drink, for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink, and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs." I can't do anything right I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put and end to my miserable life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison." Upper Management Training An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other, and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After gulping the coffee down in one swallow, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out. The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Buddy! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position -- come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."