If you're going to define me properly, you must think in terms of my failures as well as my successes. Harrison Ford An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing." This particular man was taking a shortcut through the graveyard one dark night. That was a mistake, because the gravediggers had just opened a new site, in preparations for a funeral early the next morning. The unfortunate man took a headlong plunge into the deep pit. It began to rain, and the sides became slippery, besides being deep. Try as he may (and he did again and again) he could not climb out. Finally he resigned himself to wait for the caretakers the next morning, and he settled into a corner. Just before dawn another man, who had been "out on the town" all night and who was definitely inebriated, stumbled into the same grave. He yelped and started trying his best to get back topside. After a few attempts, this deep voice from the corner said, "It's no use. You can't get out!" But he did... Juror Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it. No matter how hard my mom tries, every plant or flower she has attempted to grow seems to wither and die an untimely death under her care. But she never gives up hope. While she was visiting home recently, my sister nudged me and pointed to a line of new plants placed by the kitchen window. "Look," she whispered, "death row." A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does. "And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a separate piece of paper, too." She does. "And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel in the corner. "Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!" Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's. Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge. Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church. Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas. Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day. Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line. Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair. Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around. Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders. Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher's manuals. Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that. Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house. Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine. Real teachers never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to eighth graders. A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" the man asks. "Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone........" "Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent called?" A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks." The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite awhile before the cast will be off!!! What The Job Ad Says; What It Means Ground floor opportunity - Crappy job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year Progressive company - Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday Team player - Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities Upbeat personalities - Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug alcohol rehab benefit within the first year Word processing skills essential - There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future Public Relations Receptionist, Professional appearance important - $20 K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe Salary range $24K to $32K - The salary is $24K Will train - Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem BA required, MA preferred - Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary Civil service - This job was filled from the inside six months ago Outstanding benefits package - Health insurance Tons of variety - We took all of the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job Top notch communication skills - Telemarketing Beautiful offices in attractive locale - Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet Secretary - Woman only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker Executive secretary - The most powerful position in any company Dedicated - You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week until we force you into early retirement Salary commensurate - We'll pay you whatever the we feel like Salary negotiable - We'll take the lowest bidder Competitive salary - We'll pay you up to 10 percent more than your last job! Competitive starting salary - Ten cents above minimum wage Pleasant atmosphere - A staff of pod people Professional atmosphere - Zombie pod people Self-starter - Open to very broad interpretation, since no one really knows what this means The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "You know I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" asked the woman "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere." Banking A young college girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried. "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'." Rabbi Visit A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!" Planet Sun This redhead, brunette, and blonde were talking about space travel. They started talking about which planet they'd go to if they could travel in space. The redhead said,"I'd go to Mars, because it is red, like my hair." Then the brunette, not to be outdone, said,"Well I'd go to Saturn, because it's got all those groovy rings." Finally, the blonde spoke up. She said,"I'd go to the Sun." The redhead and the brunette laughed. The redhead said,"Number one, the sun is not a planet." "And number two," the brunette finished,"you'd burn up." The blonde said,"Well duh! I'd go at night!!!" Just visited the dentist Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've had Novocaine." "You should have used the drive-through," she said. "Why?" "Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained. The passengers on the jetliner were relaxing in their seats for the long flight. The voice over the loudspeaker had just announced that the aircraft had reached its cruising altitude and that the passengers were free to unfasten their seatbelts and move about the cabin. Then the voice continued. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to announce that you are flying on the maiden voyage of one of our brand new fully- automated jetliners. These new jetliners are the pride of our fleet and have no need for pilot, co-pilot or navigator. All human error has been eliminated. You needn't be alarmed, as everything from the cabin pressure to the speed and altitude is completely controlled by our computer. We're excited about the world's first fully-automated airplane, and we hope you are, too. So just sit back and relax, and remember, nothing can go wrong... nothing can go wrong... nothing can go wrong... nothing can go wrong..............." The Power of Women A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn , the wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," She replies, (Thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am", and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly, .... com-for-da-bul." Signs That You Are Too Drunk You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. You fall off the floor... Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger...who needs dinner? Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in... Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. I'm as jober as a sudge. Some Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University. She said: "The right name is important." So, here we go: The top 13 suggested names for Walmart Wine: 13. Chateau Traileur Parc 12. White Trashfindel 11. Big Red Gulp 10. Grape Expectations 9. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays" 8. NASCARbernet 7. Chef Boyardeaux 6. Peanut Noir 5. Chateau des Moines 4. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar! 3. World Championship Riesling 2. Sams Shiraz And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine .... 1. Nasti Spumante The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with both white meat (Possum) and red meat (squirrel).