"The human brain is like a TV set. When it goes blank, it's time to turn off the sound." - Pat Elphinstone Quick Funnies Willpower: The ability to eat only one salted peanut. Experience: A comb life gives you after you lose your hair. Vacation: A time when parents realize that teachers aren't paid enough. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. "Although a lot of people are on these low-carb diets, doctors say be careful, because you need carbohydrates because carbohydrates create a chemical in your brain that cheers you up and fights depression. So the next time you see a guy on a ledge, about to jump... throw him a doughnut." --Jay Leno "New York is a great town, though. If you're here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant." --Dave Letterman Here's some questions for all you know it all's. 1. "How did those "Keep off Grass' signs get there in the first place? 2. Why does Hawaii have interstate highways? 3. Why did Kamikaze pilots wear Helmets? 4. If Blind people wear sunglasses, why don't Deaf people wear Earmuffs? Take as much time as necessary Little Johnny is at it again A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?" One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful." "I see. And what did you use to break the bars?", the warden asked. Replied the spokesman, "FrenchToast..." Cultural Ages - A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his class and said, "The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year as a people. Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only observed their 4,692nd year as a people. "Now, what does it mean to you?" After a moment of silence, a student raised his hand. "Yes, David," the teacher said, "what does it mean?" David replied,"It means that the Jews had to suffer without Chinese food for 1,067 years." It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it. The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?" Keep a watch out for people standing near you in the checkout line at retail stores, restaurants, grocery stores, etc. who have a (camera) cell phone in hand. With the camera cell phones, they can take a picture of your credit card, which gives them your name, number, and expiration date. Its reported that this type of Identification theft is one of the fastest growing scams. Be aware of your surroundings, tell all your friends and family. Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told them there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine... except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call. A repairman arrived within the hour! Laws of Parenting 1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning. 2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty. 3. Toys multiply to fill any space available. 4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it. 5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave. 6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive. 7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it. 8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet. 9. Backing the car out fo the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom. New Dog Breeds The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC: Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easy for transporting Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, not a popular dog with CIA agents Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end And The Fairy Said.... A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. "Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands. Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: "Fairies are female." Scrubbing Bulkheads I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker announced: "Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Dis-continue all unnecessary work." An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine, was confirmed with this announcement: "Resume all unnecessary work." Computer Novices Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but the following call to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe." Doctor Doctor... Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains. Well pull yourself together then . Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me. Next please! Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me. One at a time please. Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam. You're too tents. Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible. Who said that? Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film! Hmmmm...Let's hope nothing develops. Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep. Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off. Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory! When did this happen? When did what happen? Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. I'll deal with you later. Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do? Use a pencil 'till I get there. Rabbi Bloom caught two of his rabbinical students gambling and drinking on Sabbath. Next day, Rabbi Bloom called them into his office and asked them what was going on. They immediately confessed to having given in to weakness and agreed that they deserved some form of punishment for their sin. Rabbi Bloom thought a lot about this and then came up with the answer. He bought two bags of dried peas from the delicatessen and told them, "Put these in your shoes and walk on them for a week to remind yourselves how hard life can be when you turn away from God." A few days later, the two students met each other in the street. One had a pronounced limp and had dark circles under his eyes. He looked very tired and weary. On the other hand, the other was the same as he had been before. "Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so easily? Why didn't you do as the Rabbi asked and put the peas in your shoes?" "I did," said the other. "But I boiled them first." A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the Pet Store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (a 100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for its house. . He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We'll have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, so he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. He waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipedes' house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about the Lord?" A little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes." An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, " We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket he said. "I'm just here to feed the alligator."