"You know those shows where people can call in and vote on different 
issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18 percent that say 
'I don't know'? It costs 90 cents to call up and vote--and they're 
voting 'I don't know.'"
"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone." 
(Into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.)
"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're 
       not sure about."              -- Andy Rooney


Friends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant.  
A man at the next table told his cell-phone caller to hold on.  
Then he stepped outside to talk.  
When he returned, I said, "That was very thoughtful." 
"I had no choice," he nodded and said to me.  
"You were making too much noise."  


A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman son was 
going to. "I'm worried. I don't know who my son can hang out with. 
He doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have."
The dean replied, " He can hang out with the faculty."


A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked 
out to have a talk with him. 
"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw.  
"You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game." 
"When is that?" asked the kid. 
"Right after the National Anthem."  


On a vacation to Australia, a Texas farmer meets an Aussie
farmer and starts talking to him about his farm.
The Aussie takes him to see his big wheat field, 
but the Texan wasn't impressed.
"We have wheat fields that are twice as large as this one," 
he told the Aussie.
The Aussie farmer drives him around the ranch and shows 
off his big herd of cattle.
"Oh, our longhorns are at least twice as big as these," 
the Texan bragged.
The Aussie farmer is getting frustrated when the Texan 
notices a herd of kangaroos hopping across a field.
"What on earth are those?" he asks.
The Aussie turns to him with an astonished look.  
"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"


A doctor made it his regular habit to stop at a bar for a 
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.  
The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the 
drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.   
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the 
bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.  
Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory
nuts and set it on the bar.   
The doctor came in took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, 
"This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"  
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."  


A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.  
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." 
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." 
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.  
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes 
she also had a picture of Amal.   
Her husband responds, 
"But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." 


No sense of humor - - - -??
When the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, a lady kept hinting 
to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never 
sank in. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. 
When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall 
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. 
He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. 
He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again. 
He handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, 
"you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.


People want the front of the bus, 
       the back of the church,
              and the center of attention.
 
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his
congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have 
enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
     
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached
to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle:
Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
 
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question,
"Boys and girls, what do we know about God? A hand shot up in the air. 
"He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you! know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
 
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long
holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars
ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant
motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young
man, "sorry about the delay.
It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready
for a long trip." 
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean.
It's the same in my business."

"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 
"Good morning, Lord,"
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, 
"Good Lord, it's morning."

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he
was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a
note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my
appointment. Please forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along
with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. 
If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. 
Lead us not into temptation."
  
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
"I know what the Bible means!" 
His father smiled and replied, 
"What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!" 
"Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?" 
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 
'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
 
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the
lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll 
get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor
stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday 
school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family
Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Yes... the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
 
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going
to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more
money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. 
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick 
and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. 
The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. 
"But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the 
announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, 
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs 
cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. 
Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." 
At that moment, the substitute organist played 
"The Star Spangled Banner." 
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
    

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew 
the coffee each morning. 
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then 
we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." 
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you 
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." 
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee." 
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." 
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed
him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... 
"Hebrews"  
   

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents : 
1.  I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get 
messed up by being near the window.  
2.  A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  
After going over all the cost information, she asked, 
"Would it be cheaper to fly to California & then take the train to Hawaii ?" 
3.  I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.  
I started to the length of the flight and the passport information when 
she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but 
Cape Town is in Massachusetts." 
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, 
"Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in South Africa." 
Her response was "click".  
4.  A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. 
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  
I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He Replied, "Don't lie to me.  I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state." 
5.  I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the Map." 
6.  Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.  
When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas.  
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, 
"I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between
the gates to save time." 
7.  A nice lady just called.  She needed to know how it was possible 
that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. 
 I tried to that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not 
understand the concept of Time zones.
Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! 
8.  A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description 
on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who ?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on 
my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection ?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," 
(I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code 
for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination 
tag on her luggage.
9.  I just got off the phone with a man who asked, 
"How do I know which plane to get on ?"
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, 
"I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes 
have numbers on them." 
10.  A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one 
of those computer planes."
I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane.
She said, "Yeah, whatever." 
11.  A businessman called and had a question about the documents 
he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about 
passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have 
one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay needs a visa.  
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and 
every time they have accepted my American Express." 
12.  A woman called to make reservations.
"I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York."
The agent was at a loss for words. 
Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?"  replied the customer. 
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, 
I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a 
Hippopotamus anywhere."
The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is.  
Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,
"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it!  I knew it was a big animal!"