"Every path has some puddles." 

The confession of evil works is the first beginning of good works.
Augustine of Hippo

Never lose sight of the fact that old age needs so little 
but needs that little so much.       Margaret Willour


A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors 
         and none of them agreed with your diagnosis." 
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, 
         then you'll see that I was right." 


New Lyrics  
While listening to an oldies radio station, my six-year-old evidently 
got the 60's mixed up with the 21st century. Instead of singing along,
"Goin' to the chapel/ And we're gonna get married," I heard him sing, 
"Goin' to the chat room/ And we're gonna get married." 


When a guy's printing on his printer began to grow faint, he called 
a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer 
probably needed only to be cleaned. 
Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he 
might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself. 
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, 
"Does your boss know that you discourage business?" 
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. 
"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to
fix things themselves first." 
 

Football analysis by a blonde...
A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. 
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants
and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why 
they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then 
for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'  
"Hel-LLLO!  It's only 25 cents!" 
   

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. 
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," 
one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems." 
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we
hear each other out right now?" 
They agreed this is a good idea. 
The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and 
deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can." 
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, 
and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me." 
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard
I try, I just can't keep a secret." 
 

Interesting Thoughts  
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree. 
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due. 
Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts. 
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside. 
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. 
One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria. 
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. 
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and 
           too young to borrow the family car. 


Jill had to grab a cab to get to a meeting uptown.  
She hailed one down, got in, and told the cabbie the address she needed.  
The cabbie turned out to be a lunatic driver, and Jill sat in the backseat
clutching the door handle wondering if she could expect to survive this trip.  
The cabdriver sped through the crowded NYC streets, weaving in and out 
of traffic.  Jill watched as one pedestrian after another leapt aside to avoid
being run down by her lunatic driver. 
Jill looked ahead and saw a truck double parked on the narrow street.  
Not only did the driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as 
he approached the truck.  He slipped his cab through the available space 
with an inch or two to spare on either side. 
"Driver," Jill screamed, "Are you crazy?  Are you trying to get us both killed?" 
"Relax, Lady," he said.  "Just do what I do.  Close your eyes."  


Parenthood
If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with 
        something called labor!
Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to 
         steer your car, and you get about the same results.
The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy
         them while they are still on your side.
Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere;
         and hide the keys to the car.
Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when
         all the children are finally in bed.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters 
          and too young to borrow the family car.
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so
          he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string; handy to have around 
          and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.
There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, 
         hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.
Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying 
         to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when 
         he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
There are only two things a child will share willingly:
         communicable diseases and his mother's age.
Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking
         questions because they know all the answers.
An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who
         don't have small children.


Old Computer Terms
BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in 
       "Our son's computer cost quite a bit." 
BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much 
             time bragging about your computer skills. 
BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the big mean computer 
           screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine 
           companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list. 
CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid 
              having to leave their keyboards for meals. 
COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend 
             too much time at the computer and not enough time studying. 
CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer to 
                  perform, as in "You $#% computer!" 
DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer 
            keyboard for seventeen hours at a clip. 
DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon 
              after you install your computer. 
ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a 
                computer showroom to "just look." 
EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your 
                    home to house your computer and all its peripherals. 
FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to 
                 lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips"). 
HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawn mowers, rakes and other heavy equipment  
                         you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer. 
IBM: The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop 
           on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again. 
MENU: What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll 
             be too poor to eat in a restaurant. 
MONITOR: Often thought to be a word associated with computers, 
                    this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always 
                    want to see your hall pass at school. 
PROGRAMS: Those things you used to look at on your television before 
                        you hooked your computer up to it. 
RETURN: What a lot of people do with their computers 
                   after only a week and a half. 
TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains and really good 
                     deals on hot computers. 
WINDOW: What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally
                    erase a program that took you three days to set up. 


 A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, & 
everyone  inside dies.  They  then  get  to  meet  their maker, and because 
of the grief they have  experienced;  He decides to grant them one wish 
each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the
first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God 
snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this 
and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers 
and the wish is granted.
 This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous 
but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts 
laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on 
the floor, laughing his head off.
 Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says:
 "Make 'em all ugly again."
 SO..................................
THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE 'LAST IN LINE' ... BE HAPPY 


A woman's short story. 
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and 
thinking...surely I cannot look that old?  You may enjoy this short story. 
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new 
dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.  
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name 
had been in my high school class some 30 years ago.  
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.  
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way 
too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, 
I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied. 
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
 He answered, " In 1971. Why?" 
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?" 


Rules for Stray Cats
1.  Stray cats will not be fed.
2.  Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food.
3.  Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food
     moistened with a little milk.
4.  Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened
      with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5.  Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their 
      permanent residence.
6.  Stray cats will not be petted, played with, picked up and cuddled
      unnecessarily.
7.  Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will
      absolutely not be given a name.
8.  Stray cats with or without a name, will not be allowed inside the
      house at any time.
9.  Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except at certain times.
10.  Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except on days
      ending in "y".
11.  Stray cats allowed inside, will not be permitted to jump up on or
       sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12.  Stray cats will not be permitted to, jump up on or sharpen claws on
       the really good furniture.
13.  Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture, but must sharpen
       claws on new .99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
14.  Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15.  Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece,
        high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
16.  Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan,
       with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17.  Stray cats will sleep outside.
18.  Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19.  Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20.  Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21.  Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with
       non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
22.  Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23.  Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
24.  Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
25.  Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers, 
       except at the foot.
26.  Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27.  Stray cats will not play on the desk, near the computer.
28.  Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk, 
       when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hb USING IT.


Rules For Bank Robbers 
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are 
"unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young 
male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing 
about their business. For instance it is reported that in spite of the 
widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers 
use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, 
and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. 
Thus, this advice is offered to would-be bank robbers, along with 
examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed: 
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead 
of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was 
no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't 
want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into 
his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in. 
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, this is harder to plan. One teller 
in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down 
the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing 
police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a 
holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled 
the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. 
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on 
the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, 
on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and 
in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the 
robber's signature and account number. 
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried 
to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, 
where he showed them his "weapon." 
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a 
note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." 
The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left. 
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment 
on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. 
Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture.
Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by 
throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded 
only in drawing attention to themselves. 
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who 
took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. 
They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a 
tollbooth, offered the security men money. 
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's 
car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most 
quickly-solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass. 
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing 
the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, not to mention 
severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston 
painfully discovered. 
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous criminal in Swansea, Mass.,
fainted when the teller told him she had no money. He was still unconscious
when the police arrived.