Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby. 
I was elated when he called me at work with the news of my grandchild's birth. 
I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers. 
"I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she weighs five pounds." 
"When was she born?" someone asked. 
Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar, and said 
in amazement, "Tomorrow!" 


Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves,
bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. 
Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself 
every night during his extra duty by reciting, 
"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday." 
As July 21 approached, his excitement increased. 
When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated,
"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday." 
The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date 
line -- and it was July 23. 


Dad and Surgeon  
This older man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted 
that his son, a renown surgeon, perform the operation. 
As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. 
"Yes Dad, what is it?" 
"Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, 
if something happens to me . . . 
your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."  


"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some 
poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, 
and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment 
and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. 
Delicious ambiguity." --- Gilda Radner 


The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he 
arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, 
he asked a young boy for directions to the post office.
After being told the way by the lad, the Reverend Graham thanked him, 
adding: "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear 
me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said.
"You don't even know your way to the post office."


Dental Mommy  
For the first time, my four-year-old daughter Kelsey was coming to my office
to have me, a dental hygenist, clean her teeth. She was accompanied by her 
grandmother. When they came in, I greeted them warmly, seated Kelsey, and, 
as usual, put on my gloves, goggles, and mask. 
About ten minutes into the procedure, Kelsey got scared and cried,
"I want my mommy!" 
I quickly pulled off my mask and said, "I AM your mommy." 
Without hesitation, my daughter yelled back, "Then I want my granny!"  


We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, 
hash browns and toast for $1.99. 
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're 
ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked 
incredulously. "I'll take the special."
 "How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.


Valuable Book   
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had
just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. 
He happened to mention that Guten-somebody- or-other had printed it. 
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector. 
"Yes, that was it!" 
"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. 
A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!" 
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to 
that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins 
by some clown named Martin Luther." 
 

Little Benny and his daddy were standing in front of the lion's cage at the zoo... 
Benny's father was explaining how ferocious and strong lions are, and Benny 
was taking it all in with a serious expression. 
Daddy," Benny said finally, "if the lion got out of his cage and ate you up..." 
"Yes, son?" Benny's father said expectantly. 
Benny continued, "What bus should I take home?"  


Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. 
One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a 
playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. 
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. 
The girl said she was. 
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, 
still by herself. 
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" 
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. 
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, 
"Why are you standing here all alone?" 
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!" 


An applicant was filling out a job application.  
When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." 
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to
 the previous question, was "Why?" 
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."  


Balance?   
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found 
him, resting on the seventh day.He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" 
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards 
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." 
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" 
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth 
and it's going to be a great place of balance." 
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. 
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. 
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and 
wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed
a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. 
Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. 
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold 
and covered in ice." 
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and 
said, "What's that one?" 
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. 
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, 
and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome,
modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling 
the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, 
and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace." 
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, 
"What about balance, God? You said there would be balance." 
God smiled, 
"There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there." 
 

Funny Signs   
At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container." 
In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil 
ought to see the manager." 
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the 
full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy" 
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot." 
In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday." 
In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed." 
In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy." 
In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home." 
In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" 
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church." 
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices, 
and workmanship." 
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel." 
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs." 
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. 
Let our washing machine do the dirty work." 
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan." 
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." 
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. 
They won't last an hour!" 
On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced" 
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." 
In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated 
when you can come here?" 
In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends." 
In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please 
see that the perpetual light is extinguished." 
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers 
from any but their own graves." 
On a roller coaster: "Watch your head." 
On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission." 
On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable." 
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, 
it's time to wash your car." 
And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched
by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at this sign." 


Things you would never know without the movies 
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love. 
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will 
ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the 
building you want without difficulty... 
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are 
your best weapons... 
Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days 
before their retirement... 
Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday. 
When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises 
in their most revealing underwear... 
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely... 
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant... 
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings, especially if any of their 
family or friends have died in a strange boating accident... 
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in
Nuclear Fission at age 23.  


Fun Things To Do At K-Mart (Or Wal-Mart)   
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding
 them at strategic locations. 
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 
4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in. 
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. 
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 
7. Leave cryptic messages on the computers. 
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. 
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, 
especially thin narrow aisles. 
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, 
"I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens. 
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and 
turn the volumes to "10". 
12. Play with the automatic doors. 
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." 
etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. 
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough 
for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?" 
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department. 
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive." 
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. 
Continue to do this until they leave the department. 
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. 
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and 
say, "Wow. Magic!" 
20. Put M&Ms on layaway. 
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. 
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them
 in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. 
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles. 
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. 
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. 
Come, Robin--to the Bat-cave!" 


A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears 
a BUMP...  BUMP...  BUMP...  behind him. 
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin 
banging its way down the middle of the street towards him. 
BUMP...  BUMP...  BUMP... 
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing 
quickly behind him ... faster...  faster...  BUMP...  BUMP...  BUMP... 
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, 
slams and locks the door behind him. 
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin 
clapping... clappity-BUMP...  clappity-BUMP...  clappity-BUMP... 
on the heels of the terrified man. 
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.  His heart is 
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. 
With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door.  
Bumping and clapping towards him. 
The man SCREAMS and reaches for something heavy, anything .. 
his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin. 
Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition...  
and...  the coffin stops! 
Because everyone know Robitussin stops the coffin!