http://www.thestatenislandboys.com/U_thrill_me/

This past Saturday I took my three children to the zoo. 
My middle child was busy explaining about all the animals to her
younger sister.  Being the know-it-all she is at the age of five she 
was telling her sister who is 3 all about the hippoprotestants.  


Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing 
weekends in their motor home. 
When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, 
but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to 
assure themselves some privacy. 
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: 
"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package." 


It's said that Abraham Lincoln once sized up the case of a 
prospective client as follows: 
"You have a good case, technically, but in terms of justice and 
equity, it's got problems. So you'll have to look for another lawyer
to handle the case, because the whole time I was up there talking 
to the jury, I'd be thinking, 'Lincoln, you're a liar!' and I might just 
forget myself and say it out loud." 


Two men working in a facory were talking. 
"I know how to get some time off," said one.  
"How are you going to do that?"  
"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter.  The foreman asked 
what he was doing up there, and the man replied.  "I'm a lightbulb."  
"I think you need some time off," the foreman said said, and the first man 
walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.  
"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.  
"I can't work in the dark," he said.  


While walking through the woods one day, I was surprised to hear a 
child's voice. I followed the sound, trying in vain to understand the 
child's words. When I spotted a boy perched on a rock, I realized why 
his words had made no sense: He was repeating the alphabet. 
"Why are you saying your ABC's so many times?" I asked him. 
The child replied, "I'm saying my prayers." 
I couldn't help but laugh. "Prayers? All I hear is the alphabet." 
Patiently the child explained, "Well, I don't know all the words, 
so I give God the letters. He knows what I'm trying to say." 


Owed Two A Spell Chequer 
Eye halve a spelling chequer, 
it came with my pea sea. 
It plainly marques, four my revue, 
miss steaks eye kin knot sea. 

Eye strike a key and type a word 
and weight four it two say, 
Weather eye am wrong oar write 
it shows me strait a weigh. 

As soon as a mist ache is maid, 
it nose bee fore two long. 
And eye can put the error rite 
it's rare lea ever wrong. 

Eye have run this poem threw it, 
I am shore your pleased two no. 
Its letter perfect awl the weigh, 
my chequer tolled me sew. 


A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. 
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and 
purred... "I'll die for you!" The tabby gazed at him from under lowered 
eye lids and asked, "How many times? 


A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to 
her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had 
today! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play
your age?"  He walks away.
Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the 
roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes 
his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the
table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks,
"What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, 
and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"


A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good
after shave, presenting a well cared for image, walks into an upscale
cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid
eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her, orders a drink,
takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"


Motherly Lessons
My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing 
       and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." 
My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing 
       your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." 
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass 
       your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!" 
My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think
       that I know when you're cold?" 
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you 
        thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!" 
My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off 
        your toes, don't come running to me." 
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't  
         eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. 
My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!" 
My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" 
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my  
         age, you will understand." 
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home." 
My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home." 
And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I hope 
         they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like." 
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE... "If you're going to 
         kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" 
My mother taught me RELIGION... "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL... "If you don't straighten up, I'm going 
         to knock you into the middle of next week!" 
My mother taught me LOGIC... "Because I said so, that's why." 
My mother taught me FORESIGHT... "Make sure you wear clean underwear, 
         in case you're in an accident. 
My mother taught me IRONY... "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." 
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS... "Shut your mouth and eat 
         your supper!" 
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM... "Will you just look at the dirt 
         on the back of your neck!" 
My mother taught me about STAMINA... "You'll sit there 'till all that 
         spinach is finished." 
My mother taught me about WEATHER... "It looks as if a tornado 
         swept through your room." 
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY... "If I've told you once, 
         I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!" 
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE... "I brought you into  
         this world, and I can take you out." 
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION... 
        "Stop acting like your father!" 
My mother taught me about ENVY... "There are millions of less fortunate 
children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!" 


Are you BRAVE enough to take the Internet pledge!! 
1)  I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper 
        like I used to, before the Web.  
2)  I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.  
3)  I will get dressed before noon.  
4)  I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan 
        dinner before even thinking of the Web.  
5)  I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends 
        and family that are Web-deprived.  
6)  I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.  
7)  I will read a book...if I still remember how.  
8)  I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling 
         them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.  
9)  I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.  
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, 
        if it is necessary or not.  
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance 
        my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.  
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed 
        sometime ...  and the Web will always be there tomorrow!  


Moses and Jesus are part of a Threesome playing golf one day. 
Moses pulls up to the tee and drives a long one. The ball lands on the 
fairway, but rolls directly toward a water trap. Quickly, Moses raises 
his club, the water parts, and the ball rolls to the other side, safe and sound. 
Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the 
same water trap. It lands right in the center of the pond and kind of hovers 
over the water. Jesus casually walks out on the water and chips the ball
right up onto the green. 
Then, the third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. 
It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. 
It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto 
the roof of a shack close by and rolls down into the gutter, down the drain 
spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the fore mentioned pond. 
On the way to the pond, the ball hits a little stone and bounces out over 
the water and onto a lily pad, where it comes quietly to rest. Suddenly, 
a very large bullfrog jumps on the lily pad and snatches the ball into his 
mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down, grabs the frog and flies away. 
As they pass over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball, 
which bounces right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one. 
Moses leans over toward Jesus and whispers, 
"Do you think your Dad would teach me that shot?" 


Questions without answers
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when 
       you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of
       a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
 
  
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you 
             know you're from California if: 
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible. 
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house. 
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. 
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower. 
5. You can't remember . . . . . is pot illegal? 
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. 
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, 
          and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. 
8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal? 
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. 
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. 
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap 
       and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney. 
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. 
13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal? 
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:
         "STORM WATCH." 
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy 
         with their cells or pagers. 
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early 
         to avoid all the weather-related accidents. 
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal???? 
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists. 
19. The Terminator is your governor. 
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. 
         If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.