"Experience is a wonderful thing - it enables you 
              to recognize a mistake every time you repeat it." 


My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that
the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out.  "I know," he replied.  
"It's a fad me and some of the guys started."   
Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can't stand it! 
Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you."  
I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair. 
"Yeah," he said smiling slyly.  "All the girls do."  


A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his
new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. 
"Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?"
"I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"


"The telephone company is urging people to please not use the
telephone unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines 
open for emergency personnel. 
We'll be right back after this break to give away a pair of Phil Collins 
concert tickets to caller number 95."
....... by a Los Angeles radio DJ shortly after the 1990 earthquake 


Patsy, 3, was at church with her parents.  Her family had already given, 
but when the collection basket got close Patsy insisted that her mother 
give her some money to put in.   
Her mother tried to explain that they had already given, but when the
basket reached their pew Patsy announced loudly, "We are out of money!"  


There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious 
argument the night before. 
"But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."  
"What did she say?" asked the friend.  
The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"  


One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging the laundry when
an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell 
from the dog's collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. 
But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered 
down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. 
An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out. 
The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway 
and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. 
Curious, the woman pinned a note to his collar: 
"Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap." 
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 
"We have ten children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep." 


When the U.S. Mint reissued two-dollar bills, I thought they might someday 
become collectors' items. I went to the bank and picked up a hundred, serially
numbered and still in their original band. 
On my next trip to my parents' house, I gave the $200 to my mother and said, 
"Take good care of these. They might be worth something someday." 
Several months later I asked Mom if she was keeping the two- dollar bills safe. 
"Oh, yes!" she replied. "I deposited them in the bank the day after you left." 


A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a drummer. He constantly gave
this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't 
improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a critical jab at the drummer, 
"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given
help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer
 -- which must be why you play the drums." 
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, 
"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks 
and make him a conductor." 


When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her Ability 
to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. 
As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect. 
Asked about the occupations of family members, 
Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer." 
As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney. 
"Only to mow my lawn."  


Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy 
and you could sure use some money. 
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, 
"Why do you want to know?" 
Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care 
these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, 
my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." 
When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems. 
3. If they say they're Joe Doe fro the XYZ Company, ask them to spell 
their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them 
where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions 
about their company for as long as necessary. 
4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer:
"Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... 
You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) 
"Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?" 
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise,
"Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my gosh! Judy, how have you BEEN?" 
Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she
tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from. 
6. Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, 
and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. 
This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. 
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends 
plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, 
"I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?" 
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? 
Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood. 
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary 
feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh- huh, really, or 
"That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry 
you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit 
card number to someone that's a complete stranger. 
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. 
Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." 
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" 
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." 
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? 
Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! 
Oh well, see ya." 
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the 
receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my goodness!!!" and then hang up. 
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone 
number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out 
their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will 
call them at home.
(This is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers) 


On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I'd recently started waiting
tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed me money.  
"We're in trouble!" He said.  "We're out of quarters, and customers are waiting.  
Go next door and get me $40 worth."
I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn't allowed 
to give out that many quarters.  Determined, I sprinted to a convenience 
store two blocks away, but it was closed.  At a gas station farther down 
the road, the clerk took pity and gave me the four rolls of quarters.  
Twenty minutes after I'd left, I handed the coin rolls to my boss.  
"Where are the quarters?" He asked.
"Right here," I said breathlessly.
His face sank.  "I meant chicken quarters." 


It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local 
reservation and try to get the Native American vote.  They were all 
assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.  
The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting 
more and more excited.  
"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!" 
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya!  Hoya!" 
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was 
encouraged by their enthusiasm. 
"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!" 
"Hoya!  Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet. 
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" 
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya!  Hoya!" 
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a
tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit 
about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. 
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."  


Gentle thoughts for today... 
1. Birds of a feather flock together and "dodo" on your car. 
2. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 
3. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. 
4. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right 
time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. 
5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your 
body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. 
6. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 
7. He who hesitates is probably right. 
8. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 
9. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 
10. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell 
when he's really in trouble. 
11. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together
it spells "Theirs"? 
12. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL". 
 

Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 45-foot, 
downhill putt.  As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that 
says I can make this putt.  Does anyone want to bet?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager.  My grandfather missed 
the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. 
Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had printed, "I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet; my grandfather is too. 


You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender; for example...
1) Ziploc Bags - They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you 
can see right through them.
2) Copiers - They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while 
to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right 
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire - Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon - Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to 
light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges - Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page - Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway - Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass - Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer - Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, 
but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control - Female.... Ha! You thought it'd be male. 
But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, 
and while he  doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.


I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England.  
My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the 
awful food provided at the hospital complex.  
We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly vistors 
would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.  
One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said to me, 
"Would you eat this up, love?"  
Delighted at the offer, another student and I devoured every crumb.  
Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, 
"Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"  


Hangover   
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. 
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a 
couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. 
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. 
Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, 
spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. 
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table 
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." 
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. 
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" 
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. 
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black 
eye when you stumbled into the door." 
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, 
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" 
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when 
she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!" 
A self-induced hangover - $100.00 
Broken furniture - $200.00 
Breakfast - $10.00 
Saying the right thing - priceless