My partner and I were in our police car when we were dispatched to break up a domestic dispute. We spoke with the couple, and the problem was quickly resolved. On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their turn-of-the-century home and reached for what I thought was the front door. Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in embarrassment when I heard my partner say, "If you have any more problems, we'll be in your closet." A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing "Happy Birthday." Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped. Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it. When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to ........... "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be!" Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore. He cheats." "Why do you say that?" "Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green." "That's possible." "Not when I had it in my pocket!" Headstones In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist, All dressed up, And no place to go. On the grave of Ezekiel Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekiel Aikle, Age 102. The Good Die Young. In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid, But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767 In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. My husband and I had bought some gadgets for our almost teen-age grandsons and were leaving the store when we realized we didn't have batteries. He stepped over to a counter to get the batteries but couldn't attract the attention of the clerk. I waited for a little while then said, "I'll get a clerk over here real fast." With that, I pulled out my pocket tape measure and started measuring a large TV set. Amazingly, a clerk leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach my side in jig time. To his "May I help you?" I said, "Of course. I'll take 8 of those batteries over there." Skeleton In The Closet A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important." Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more; they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important." The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important." "Well, who was it?" "The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion." My Town Is So Tough It Has... Hotels that ask your name, address and next of kin to register Gun shops that have "Back to School" sales Restaurants that serve broken leg of lamb Bowling alleys where most people bowl overhand Schools that require a sick note co-signed by a parole officer Christmas pageants that feature the three Wise Guys Advice columns with hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw A 911 emergency service with a two day waiting list "Honor students" who practice saying "Yes/No, your honor" Mothers who give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man Forgery 101 and Advanced Counterfeiting are required subjects Bill and Bob, longtime golfing buddies, were involved in a match-play contest with the score "all-square" at the 18th tee. Bill slices his tee shot way right, and the ball finally stops on the cart path. Meanwhile, Bob smashes his first shot straight down the middle. "Oh well," says Bill, "I should get a free drop from there." "No way," says Bob, his competitive playing partner. "We play the ball as it lies." And so Bill did. After deliverying his opponent to the middle of the fairway, Bill reluctantly returned to his hard-pan lie on top of the concrete path. After Bob knocks a second straight shot that lands safely on the green, he can't resist smiling. Sparks fly from the cart path, as Bill makes a few aggressive practice swings. Finally, Bill hits the ball off the cart path, leaving a miraculous shot only 3 feet from the pin. As the two meet in the fairway, Bob comments, "That was a great shot.... what club did you use?" "Your 6 iron," says Bill. At his request, each morning three-year-old Ray's mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt. Immediately in his young imaginative mind the towel became a brilliant magic blue and red cape. And he became Superman. Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman. This fact was clearly pointed out when his mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked Ray his name. "Superman," he answered politely and without pause. The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please." Again, Ray answered, "Superman." Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a voice quite stern, said, "I will have to have your real name for the records." Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and patting a corner of frayed towel at his shoulder, answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy, "Clark Kent." Ten Reasons When Me Should Join The Choir 10. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendonitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse. 9. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly. 8. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called "Who's Praying, Who's Sleeping?" 7. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen. 6. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you've been singing with us for a few weeks. 5. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronic equipment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget. 4. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, it's soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it's a lot easier on the knees than jogging. 3. If you think you've done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with us and staying on pitch, guys. 2. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a professional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. (Don't worry, though, the rehearsals are on Wednesday, not Monday Nights.) 1. When people ask you whether you've been behaving yourself, you can say with the utmost sincerity, "Hey, I'm a Choir Boy." Sounds like a great plan to me. After the kids are gone who needs a large home to keep up the maintenance and upkeep? RETIREMENT WITH A GRIN Recently I was checking my 401k account and thinking about retirement, as everyone does when after they hit the big 50. I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes and the expenses. Then it hit me. No nursing home for me! Here is my plan: I'm checking into the Holiday Inn. With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TVmovies. Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient. Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for? When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day. Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends. Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not >finding your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7. Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night! "So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!" One more thing you shouldn't forget is if you join the frequent stay club you can earn freebees.... The Anniversary A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses. Happy anniversary mom and dad," gushed son number one.... Sorry I'm running late...had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present." Not to worry," said the dad...."The important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "You and mom still look great dad, just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present...sorry." It's nothing," said the father, "glad you were able to be here." Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything." Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." During dinner, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, " Listen you three, there's something your mother and I wanted to tell you for a long time. Your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each you and send you to college. We always knew we loved each other but....never got around to getting married" The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're BASTARDS ?" Yep," said the dad....."and cheap ones too!"