"It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit." - Harry S Truman The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife." Vacation Terms Translations In case any of you are still thinking about picking a vacation spot, be aware of the following advertising lingo... Old world charm = No bath Tropical = Rainy Majestic setting = A long way from town Options galore = Nothing is included in the itinerary Secluded hideaway = Impossible to find or get to Pre-registered rooms = Already occupied Explore on your own = Pay for it yourself Knowledgeable trip hosts = They've flown in an airplane before No extra fees = No extras A police officer pulls over an eighty-six-year-old woman because her hand signals were confusing. "First you put your hand up, like you're turning right, then you wave your hand up and down, then you turn left," said the officer. "I decided not to turn right," she explains. "Then why the up and down motion with your hands?" asks the officer. "I was erasing." Biblical Baseball Baseball was a well-established sport even in biblical times.: Genesis 1:1 ... "In the big inning" Genesis 24: ... 15,16 "Rebekah went to the well with a pitcher" Numbers 11:32 ... "ten homers" Second Kings 25:16 ... "and the bases which Solomon had made" Psalms 19:12 ... "Who can understand his errors?" Psalms 26:1 ... "1 have trusted, therefore, I shall not slide." Jeremiah 15:7 ... "And I will fan them" Ezekiel 36:12 ... "Yea, I will cause men to walk" Luke 17:17 ... "but where are the nine?" Galatians 5:7 ... "Ye did run well" Bridge Trouble A truck driver was driving along on the freeway when a sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?" The truck driver repies, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?" While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk.. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained. The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?" "After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly." "I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success." 1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? 2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? 3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? 4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? 5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "oneslice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot? 6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? 7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try? 8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures? 9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear? 10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" When, it isn't all right . 11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? 12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed? 13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? 14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes? 15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? 16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you. Bob went over to his friend Joe's house and was amazed at how well Joe treated his wife. He often told her how attractive she was, complimented her on her cooking and showered her with hugs and kisses. "Gee," Bob remarked later, "you really make a big fuss over your wife". "I started to appreciate her more about six months ago," Joe said. "It has revived our marriage and we couldn't be happier." Inspired, Bob hurried home, hugged his wife and told her how much he loved her and said he wanted to hear all about her day. But she burst into tears. "Honey," Bob said, "whats' the matter?". "This has been the worst day," she replied. "This morning Billy fell off his bike and broke his ankle, then the washing machine broke. Now to top it off, you come home drunk !". At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain it to your mother." Lessons from Noah's Ark Plan ahead... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big. Don't listen to critics- do what has to be done. Build on high ground. For safety's sake, travel in pairs. Two heads are better than one. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board but... so were the snails. If you can't fight or flee---float!! Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on Earth. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat. When things get really deep, don't sit there and complain-- shovel!!! Stay below deck during the storm. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside. Don't miss the boat. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the horizon. Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good. Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy. Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Now go have a cookie...flour is a veggie! Reference: I Hate My Job When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this. On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins - Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested" Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson." HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!