"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity." - Albert Einstein A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce the outcome of a political election. "More on candidates at 10 p.m.," he said. My ten-year-old granddaughter Ashley looked at me in disbelief. "I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!" The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it's mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside the cover." My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she'd phone back later. At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch. The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. "I'm sorry," I said, "she's left for the day. May I take a message?" "Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?" Doctor's Visit A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one of her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that." The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!" Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit." A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. One day her friend stopped her and, noticing her well long, groomed nails, asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead." Procrastinator's Creed You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time. 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless ........ of course I decide to change my mind. 9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. Retirement Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Harris finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at. "And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times . . ." "Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Harris, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas." Where's Grandpa? The computer swallowed Grandpa Yes honestly, its true. He pressed 'control' and 'enter' And disappeared from view. It's devoured him completely The thought just makes me squirm. Maybe he's caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm. I've searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind. I've even used the internet But nothing could I find. I asked Jeeves in desperation My searches to refine. The reply from him was negative Not a thing was found online. So, if someday in your 'In Box' My Grandpa you should see. Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' him In an e-mail back to me. Cops do indeed have a sense of humor Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun." "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop." "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." "Just how big were those two beers?" "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail." "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here." Political Quotes "I resent your insinuendoes." "If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same." "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." "I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." -- Dan Quayle "If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave." "We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report." "Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository." "Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation." -- Marion Berry "Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it." "To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility." "I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators." "If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there." "When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut." "Let's do this in one foul swoop." "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session." "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." "I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks." "The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13." "I hate to confuse myself with the facts." "We have a permanent plan for the time being." "Family planning has many misconceptions." "The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city." "My knowledge is no match for his ignorance." "As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state." "These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about." "People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on." "In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema." Quick Quotes "As an entertainer I travel a lot. I once saw a pin on a Delta Airlines employee and I asked him what 'Delta' stands for. He said, 'Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive.'" --Adam Christing "I love those signs along the highway that say, 'Litter Removal Next 2 Miles.' That's when I start chucking my trash out the window." --Scott Wood "I have a detached retina. Actually, it's not detached. It's emotionally unavailable." --Nick Arnette Blonde Convention 80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"