"For every person with a spark of genius, 
                        there are a hundred with ignition trouble." 

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -- Gene Hill 

Driving to a new restaurant, a woman took several wrong turns.  
When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband, 
"Why didn't you tell me I was lost?" 
"I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. 
 "You always know where you're going when I'm driving."  

Duelling Barbers
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street 
from the old established hair cutters' place.
They put up a big bold sign which read:
 "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:
"WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"

This is a true story, My husband's grandmother passed away and 
for many months afterwards my father-in-law made repeated 
phone calls to attempt to stop a company from sending mail 
to the house for his deceased mother.
In frustration, he finally filled out a change of address card 
changing her address to the Jefferson Memorial Park where 
she was laid to rest.
It worked!  No more mailings came to the house.

ZERO GRAVITY
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly 
discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. 
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and 
$12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside 
down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures 
ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Enjoy paying your taxes--they're due again.

I was having trouble with my computer. 
So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. 
Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. 
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. 
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: 
"An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... 
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ......
I D 1 0 T

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner.  
The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been 
having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything--noise,
spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.  
The second Pastor then said "Yea, me too.  
I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church.  
I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, 
yet they still won't go away."  
With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, 
"I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them 
members of the church...  Haven't seen one back since!!!"  

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside 
restaurant for lunch. The woman left her glasses on the table, 
but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. 
By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could 
find a place to turn around.
The man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. 
When they finally arrived, as the woman got out of the car to 
retrieve her glasses, the old man said, 
"While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."

No Speaka Da German
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed
in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English.  
But I found that many people spoke only their native 
tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train.
He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making 
gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time
to show him that I was interested.
When he had gone, an American woman in the compartment 
leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.
"No," I confessed.
"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid 
when he told you that you were on the wrong train."

If Only Life Was Like a Computer
If you messed up your life, you could press 
"Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run!"
If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend." 
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you lose your car keys, click on "find."
"Help" with the chores is just a click of away.
You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your emergency 
boot diskette to recover from a crash.
We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
To feel like a new person, click on to "refresh."
Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.
To undo a mistake, click on "back."
Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update."
If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete."

"The Rules of Chocolate"
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, 
you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries 
all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the 
store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge 
off your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of 
calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. 
But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. 
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the 
chocolate to protect themselves.
If you eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, 
is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. 
An entire garment industry would be devastated.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. 
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

You might be a nurse if... 
You avoid unhealthy looking peoples in the mall for fear that 
they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off. 
It doesn't bother you to eat a candy bar with one hand while 
performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand. 
You've had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve 
earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots." 
You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level. 
You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage. 
You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick. 
You have your weekends off planned a year in advance. 
You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food. 
You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.  

Atheist Holiday
An atheist was quite incensed over the preparation for Easter and
Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the
discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations
afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the
atheists had no holidays for them to celebrate.
The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause 
of the downtrodden and assigned their sharpest attorney to the case.
The case was brought up before a learned judge who after listening to
the passionate presentation by the ACLU representative, 
banged his gavel and said "Case dismissed!"
The ACLU lawyer stood up and objected to the ruling and said 
"Your honor, how can you dismiss this case?  
Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other 
observances. And the Jews, why in addition to Passover they have
Yom Kippur and Hanukkah.....and yet my client and all other 
atheists have no such holiday!"
The judge leaned back in his chair and simply said 
"Obviously your client is too confused to know about or 
for that matter even celebrate the atheists holiday!"
The ACLU lawyer pompously said, "We are aware of no 
such holiday for atheists. Just when might that be?"
The judge said "Well it comes every year at the 
same time---April 1st.
The fool hath said in his heart there is no God." (Psalm 14:1)
Now I know why we have April Fool's Day!

Cats and Dogs
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
8:00 AM - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 AM - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite
9:40 AM - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 AM - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 AM - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 Noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 PM - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 PM - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 PM - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 PM - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
6:00 PM - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 PM - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY
Day 183 Of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with 
bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, 
while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me 
going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from 
ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to 
kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were 
walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. 
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, 
I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, 
must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, 
in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to 
try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and 
condescended about what a good little cat I was. 
Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. 
I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could
hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard 
that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must 
learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am 
convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to 
return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks
with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. 
Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is
assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

Deer Hunting
A group of friends went deer hunting 
and paired off in twos for the day.
That night, one of the hunters returned alone, 
staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?"
"Henry had a nasty fall and broke both of his legs.  
He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, 
"but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Things you'll never hear from a Redneck!
36. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
35. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
34. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
33. We don't keep firearms in this house.
32. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
31. You can't feed that to the dog.
30. I thought Graceland was tacky.
29. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
28. Wrestling's fake.
27. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
26. We're vegetarians.
25. Do you think my gut is too big?
24. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
23. Honey, we don't need another dog.
22. Who gives a hoot who won the Civil War?
21. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
20. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
19. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
18. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
17. Trim the fat off that steak.
16. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
15. The tires on that truck are too big.
14. I'll have the arugula and riadicchio salad.
13. I've got it all on the C: drive.
12. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
11. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
10. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
9. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
8. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
7. Checkmate.
6. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
2. You all.
 And, Number ONE is:
1. Duct tape won't fix that.