I don't write them ............. I just copy and paste!
Enjoy the smiles you get while reading "Smilers"

Editing is a rewording activity. 

"The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is 
to put some dishes in it."

I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our 
feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

"Superstition is to religion what lust is to love, an empty
 substitute that misses the power of the original."

Little Emily ran into the house, crying 
as though her heart would break. 
"What's wrong, dear?" asked her mother. 
"My doll!  Billy broke it!" she sobbed. 
"How did he break it, Emily?" 
"I hit him over the head with it."  

"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, 
"have you any other skills you think might be 
worth mentioning?
"Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly.  
"Last year I had two short stories published in 
national magazines, and I finished my novel." 
"Very impressive," he commented, "but I was 
thinking of skills you could apply during office 
hours." Mrs. Smith explained brightly, 
"Oh, that was during office hours."  

You Know It's Time To Diet When . . . 
You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the
doctor gives you 22 more years to live.  
Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."  
You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.  
You go to the zoo and the elephants throw peanuts to you.  
You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.  
Your blood type is Ragu.  
You could sell shade.  

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving 
safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in 
broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly 
proclaiming -- WOW--What a Ride!"

AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH
May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his 
birthday. "I'd like a little brother," a boy said.   
"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother.  
Why do you want a little brother"?   
"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can 
blame on my dog."  

Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. 
I was under the lights a bit long and the protective shades
I wore left a big white circle around each eye. 
Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, 
"Man, I look like a clown." I had almost convinced myself 
that I was overreacting until I got in line at the grocery store. 
I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler
staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"

David filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.
After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he 
had left the gas cap on top of his car.  He stopped and 
looked and, sure enough, it was lost.
Well, he thought for a second and realized that other 
people must have done the same thing, and that it was 
worth going back to look by the side of the road since 
even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be 
able to find one that fit.
Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he 
found a gas cap.  He tried it on, and it went into place 
with a satisfying click.
"Great," David thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I 
found another one that fits.
And this one's even better because it locks ..........."
 
Communication is important
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, 
Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, 
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that
are important to each other."  He addressed the men, 
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and 
whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Wally's life of celibacy.

We all know that Columbus believed the world was round 
when others believed it was flat and that if you traveled far 
enough you would go over the edge. 
We also know that Columbus reached what we now 
know as America. 
While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned 
to Spain and told Queen Isabella that he discovered a new 
world, most believe he had told her he had reached India. 
Recently documents written by Queen Isabella's official 
scribe were uncovered revealing what Columbus actually 
said on returning from his first voyage.  
His first words were, "I'll bet I'm the first man who ever 
got nineteen hundred miles on a galleon."  

"Oneliners"
Never leave your wife's anniversary present 
in a Wal-Mart bag.
Children have more need of models than of critics
The person who pays for the pizza gets the toppings 
that fall off in the box.
Definition of a will: It's a dead giveaway.
Sadder than work left unfinished, is work never begun.
Remove the silver from a mirror and even a rich man 
won't see his face.
I don't need beauty sleep, I need a coma.
I can't remember when times were not hard 
and money not scarce
Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
When you breathe, you inspire. 
When you do not breathe, you expire.

My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, 
bucking 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswinds. 
At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, 
"What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?"
The tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat. 
She answered, "We take the rocks out of our pockets."

"You Might Be A Military Wife If......."
1. Your mail goes to four addresses in two countries 
before it reaches you.
2. You earned an Accounting degree by deciphering your
husband's LES and running a family on what was 
ACTUALLY deposited.
3. "Savings" sounds like a great idea and you hope to 
someday have some.
5. You can simultaneously be a control freak, 
change plans on a moment's notice, 
yet you are not being treated for schizophrenia.
6. You know the Tricare regulations/procedures better
 than their service reps.
7. You know what forms you need better than your 
husband's Admin clerk.
8. You are strangely attracted (or repulsed) by the color green.
9. You can calculate the cost of a 5-minute phone call from 
any country, any time, on up to four different calling plans.
10. At a distance, you can pick out your husband from 100 
other men with identical haircuts and clothes.
11. The face paint in your closet is NOT for your children.
12. Name tapes are not just for kids.

Oldies But Goodies
Some of the artists from the 60's &70's are re-releasing 
their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us. 
Good news for those missing those great old tunes.......
Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"
The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"
Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"
Procol Harum - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
ABBA - "Denture Queen"
Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"
Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times The Bathroom"
Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Senior Citizens.......In case you didn't realize it, most senior 
citizens  have a marvelous sense of humor. In many cases, 
it's simply a matter of survival. Here are a few examples:
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the 
operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to 
speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; 
do your best! and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if 
something happens to me . . . your mother is going to come 
and live with you and your wife . . ."
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying 
about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want 
people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
Remember all the years you spent watching carefully what you 
ate and how you exercised so you could get an extra twenty 
years of life? Well, these are those twenty years!!
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, 
think of Algebra.
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it 
is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful... but being old is comfortable.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled 
and bald, they don't recognize you.
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything 
to laugh at when you are old.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget 
to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, 
it was called witchcraft . . . Today, it's called golf.

Last year for mother's day, my nine year old daughter
accompanied my husband on his shopping trip to buy 
"mommy" a Mothers Day gift. The two of them were 
gone for hours, almost all afternoon.
Finally, I looked out the window to see the car coming
down the street and pulling into the driveway. I watched
them both get out of the car to see if I could get a
glimpse of a bag or gift to give me a clue as to what they
got...nothing. So I approached my daughter secretively to
pry information.
"Hey, sweetie. You and daddy were gone for a long time."
She said, "yup... and I got a blister."
"A blister", I said. "Where were you and what were you
doing that you got a blister."
"Daddy let me hit golf balls at the place we got your present."
"Really... you went to the golf store?"
(Nothing on the list that I gave my husband could be
bought in a golf store or pro shop, but I might have
mentioned that I'd like to learn someday.)
"Yup, but don't tell daddy I told you because I promised I
wouldn't. (pause) Mommy, dad says you're gonna love your
present."
Curious and surprised I asked her to confide in me what
the gift was. With excitement in her eyes she whispers in
my ear that, "Daddy bought himself a brand new set of golf
clubs and you get to use his old ones!"
I responded to my daughter on the way outside, 
"OH, NO I DON'T!"

"Success in Life"
When you're 4... success is...Not peeing in your pants.
When you're 12... success is...Having friends.
When you're 16... success is...Having a driver's license.
When you're 20... success is...Having intimate relations 
with a significant other.
When you're 35... success is...Having money.
When you're 50... success is...Having money.
When you're 60... success is...Having intimate relations 
with a significant other.
When you're 70... success is...Having a driver's license.
When you're 75... success is...Having friends.
When you're 80... success is...Not peeing in your pants.

Old Barn...
A stranger came by the other day with an offer that set 
me to thinking. He wanted to buy the old barn that sits 
out by the highway. I told him right off he was crazy. 
He was a city type, you could tell by his clothes, his car, 
his hands, and the way he talked. He said he was driving 
by and saw that beautiful barn sitting out in the tall grass 
and wanted to know if it was for sale.
I told him he had a funny idea of beauty.
Sure, it was a handsome building in its day. But then, 
there's been a lot of winters pass with their snow and ice 
and howling wind. The summer sun's beat down on that 
old barn till all the paint's gone, and the wood has turned 
silver gray. Now the old building leans a good deal, looking 
kind of tired. Yet, that fellow called it beautiful.
That set me to thinking. I walked out to the field and just 
stood there, gazing at that old barn. The stranger said he 
planned to use the lumber to line the walls of his den in a 
new country home he's building down the road. He said you 
couldn't get paint that beautiful. Only years of standing in the 
weather, bearing the storms and scorching sun, only that can 
produce beautiful barn wood.
It came to me then. We're a lot like that, you and I. 
Only it's on the inside that the beauty grows with us. 
Sure we turn silver gray, too, and lean a bit more than we
did when we were young and full of sap. 
But the Good Lord knows what He's doing. And as the years 
pass He's busy using the hard wealth of our lives, the dry 
spells and the stormy seasons, to do a job of beautifying our 
souls that nothing else can produce. And to think how often 
folks holler because they want life easy!
They took the old barn down today and hauled it away to 
beautify a rich man's house. And I reckon someday you and
I'll be hauled off to Heaven to take on whatever chores the 
Good Lord has for us on the Great Sky Ranch.
 
And I suspect we'll be more beautiful then for the seasons 
we've been through here ... and just maybe even add a bit 
of beauty to our Father's house.
May there be peace within you today.