Keep a watch out for people standing near you at retail stores,
restaurants, grocery stores, etc., that have a cell phone in  hand. 
With the new camera cell phones, they can take a picture of your 
credit  card, which gives them your name, number, and expiration 
date. Identification theft is one of the fastest growing scams today, 
and this is just another example of the means that are being used.
So...be aware of your surroundings.

"A man who does not read good books has no advantage over the
man who can't read them"  Mark Twain

"On the Plains of Hesitation lie the blackened bones of countless 
millions, who, at the dawn of victory sat down to rest, and resting, died."

One summer evening, an thirteen-year-old came in while his parents 
were setting the table for supper. 
Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help.
His mother said, "No, but I appreciate your asking."
The child responded, "Well, I appreciate your saying no." 

A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.
She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, 
"I suppose you will want some identification."
He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."
"How come?" asked the woman.
"Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.

When the man came home, his wife was crying.
"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother?  How could she do that when she is on vacation on 
the other side of the world?" the man asked.
"I know.  But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived.  
I opened it because I was curious."
"And?"
"At the end of the letter it was written:
PS.  Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, 
don't forget to give it to my son."

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8.  
The obviously well trained salesman says,
 "But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half." 
"Just bring me a size eight." 
The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and 
stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost
my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran 
off with my best friend, and my business has filed Chapter 7." 
"The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night 
and take my shoes off."  

The Household Handyman's Guide
1.  If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife.  
If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2.  Try to work alone.  An audience is rarely any help.
3.  Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
4.  Work in the kitchen whenever you can ...  many fine tools are there, its 
warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5.  If it's electronic, get a new one ...  or consult a twelve-year old.
6.  Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; 
see if the tank is empty; try turning the switch "on" ; or just paint over it.
7.  Always take credit for miracles.  If you dropped the alarm clock while 
taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8.  Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing 
sometimes DOES help.
9.  If something looks level, it is level.
10.  If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. 
My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good 
food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. 
I'm worried sick!" 
The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? 
Sounds to me like you've got it made!" 
The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"  

An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married 
decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for 
several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the 
father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it. 
She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she'd accept lunch at 
one of Houston's finer restaurants.
A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of 
Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's loupe, 
examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.
"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the next table. 
"These Texas women are tough!"

My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in 
Huntington Beach, CA. Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl; 
athletic with a great tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, 
my guy asked her if the roast beef was rare.  
The waitress gave us a long blank look, then replied, 
"Well, no.  We have it, like, just about every day." 

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.  
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness.  
He greets the first patient and the patient replies, 
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain of the puddin race, 
Aboon them a you take your place, As langs my airm." 
Tony is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient 
and greets him. The patient responds, "Some hae meat and canna eat, 
And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, 
So let the Lord be thankit." 
Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony moves on to the 
next patient who immediately begins to chant, "Wee sleekit, cowerin, 
timerous beasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle." 
Now alarmed, Tony turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 
"What kind of facility is this?  Is it a mental ward?" 
"No" replies the doctor, "This is a serious Burns unit."  

Ask Yourself This:
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles 
are always white?
Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that 
something new to eat will have materialized?
On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? 
How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna 
try to stuff in that slot?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their 
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it 
down to give their vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 
If not then what was the purpose of the bath?
Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your 
clothes would they eventually just disappear?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a 
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'?
It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'?
Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top 
you always think there's still one more step?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling 
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup 
is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer 
when we complained about the heat?
Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, 
who really is the dumber sex?
Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and 
deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they 
are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden?
How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, 
and his staff was helping transport many of the items.  
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm 
across the back of my seat. 
I hadn't considered the drive across town.  
At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me 
became obvious, and I looked across and explained, 
"I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."  
The other driver leaned out of his window. 
"I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"  

George Carlin's Views on Aging  
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old 
is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited 
about aging that you think in fractions. 
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. 
You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. 
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next 
number, or even a few ahead. 
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna 
be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . .. . you become 21. Even the words 
sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21.   YESSSS!!! 
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad
milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a 
sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? 
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. 
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, 
you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone. 
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! 
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. 
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day 
thing; you HIT Wednesday! 
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; 
you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. 
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards;
"I Was JUST 92." 
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, 
you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" 
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG       
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. 
Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them. 
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. 
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. 
Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." 
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. 
4. Enjoy the simple things. 
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. 
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is 
with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive. 
7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, 
music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. 
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a 
foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is. 
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. 
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: 
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, 
but by the moments that take our breath away. 

GEORGE CARLIN STRIKES AGAIN 
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? . Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" 
and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs",
what does that make  the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea.........
does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths: 
a) Jews do not recognize  Jesus as the Messiah. 
b) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of The Christian faith. 
c) Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, 
why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages?  
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist 
but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow 
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, 
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read  the Bible a whole lot 
more as they get older; then it dawned on me......
they're cramming for their final exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons 
and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?  Toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? 
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't  they just put 
their  pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them 
while they deliver the mail?
19. If it's true that we are here to help others, 
then what exactly are the others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear until you  learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics,
this will bring a tear to your eyes.  These great questions and answers
are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses
were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are
now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q.  Do female frogs croak?
A.  Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q.  If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how
high should you be?
A.  Charley Weaver:  Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q.  True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A.  George Gobel:  Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q.  You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you
probably a man or a woman?
A.  Don Knotts:  That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q.  According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and
ask him if he's married?
A.  Rose Marie:  No, wait until morning.
Q.  Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A.  Charley Weaver:  My sense of decency.
Q.  In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I
Love You"?
A.  Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q.  What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A.  George Gobel:  I don't know, but it's coming from the next
apartment.
Q.  As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less
with your hands while talking?
A.  R ose Marie:  You ask me one more growing old question
Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q.  Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A.  Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.  Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. 
 Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.  Charley Weaver:  Of course not, I'm too busy growing
strawberries.
Q.  In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A.  Rose Marie:  Ralph, the pin boy.
Q.  It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A.  Paul Lynde:  Tape measures.
Q.  During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A.  Rose Marie:  Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q.  Can boys join the CampFire Girls?
A.  Marty Allen:  Only after lights out.
Q.  When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail.  What
will a goose do?
A.  Paul Lynde:  Make him bark?
Q.  If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A.  Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q.  According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with
getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A.  Charley Weaver:  It got me out of the army.
Q.  While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting
"Poo! Poo! Poo!"   What does this mean?
A.  George Gobel:  Cattle crossing.
Q.  When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.  Charley Weaver:  I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q.  Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes
in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
What are they?
A.  Charley Weaver:  His feet
Q.  According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should
never do in bed?
A.  Paul Lynde:  Point and Laugh 

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? 
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like 
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep 
the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to 
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later 
who you're stuck with. -- Kirsten, age 10 
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? 
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER 
by then. -- Camille, age 10 
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. 
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age) 
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? 
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling 
at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8 
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? 
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8 
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? 
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know 
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. 
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) 
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them 
interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10 
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? 
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers 
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9 
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? 
When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. 
-- Curt, age 7 
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them 
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8 
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? 
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to 
have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8 
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to 
clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child) 
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? 
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8 
And the #1 Favorite is........ 
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? 
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10