"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for 
what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for 
what he is." - Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626) 

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note 
between the big animals and the little animals. 
The big animals were crushing little animals and at half time, the 
coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball.  
The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain.  
The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain.  
On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, 
"Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did" said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too" said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo?  Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach.
"Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped." 

When British forces in Kuwait began test firing their weapons during
a routine exercise they were suddenly confronted by about a dozen 
Iraqi troops who came over the border after them, thinking the war 
had started, ... to surrender.
They were sent back over the border after being told that
it was too early to surrender.

"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. 
"Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students 
on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards
in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.
"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen 
how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."
"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were
out of earshot of the freshmen.
The guide replied, "One."

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." 
The wedding vows went like this:
"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you,
you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

A lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road.
She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly
slipped it on before the officer got to her window.
After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are
wearing your seat belt.  Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.
"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped
through your steering wheel?"

A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then 
goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"
"Sir, you stepped away from the counter," said the cashier. 
"We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about
it now. That's the policy of this bank."
"Well, ok," answered the customer. "Just thought you'd like to know that 
you gave me an extra twenty. Bye."

While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman 
asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.
When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her 
face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers 
and thumbs.
"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."

She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift.
Aha, she thought, I have that monogrammed silver tray from
my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a
silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers
on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present."
She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her
monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith examined
the tray carefully, shook his head and said, "Lady, this
can only be done so many times!"

One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago.
When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed
someone at a chicken place getting into his car.
The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and
drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.
So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service
by giving the driver his chicken.
So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the
roof and offered it to the driver.
The driver looks at the trooper and says, "No thanks, I just bought some."

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, 
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. 
Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one
from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. 
When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

Walking through a rough part of the city one night, two social workers heard 
moans and groans and muted cries for help coming from an alley.  
Walking toward the sound, they found a semi-conscious man. 
"Help me!" he said weakly.  "I've been mugged and viciously beaten!" 
The two social workers stared at him for a moment then walked back 
out of the alley. One turned to the other and said, 
"You know, the person who did that really could use some help!"  

"A Sacrilegious Joke"
The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over 
the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the Pearly Gates together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaimed St. Peter. "I know you guys think we summoned 
you here, but we weren't expecting you, and your quarters just aren't ready. 
We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back."
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone. "Lucifer, this is Pete. 
Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, 
and we gotta fix a place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while.
It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one." Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
Two days later, St. Peter's phone rang. "Pete, this is Lucifer. 
Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns. 
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, 
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!"

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. 
Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence.  
He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo.  
A twenty-foot fence was put up.  Again he go out.  
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure 
asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"  
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody 
locks the gate at night!"  

A boy with a pea shooter, ran out of ammunition, and discovering 
a box of laxative pills, tried one in his blow gun.  To his great joy, it fit.   
There was a boarding house near by, and every Wednesday noon a big 
pan of custard was placed upon the window sill to cool.  
From his vantage ground in the window of another house, 
the boy shot all the pills into the custard.   
The boy soon found out that he was an expert marksman 
and the Wednesday custards became history.  

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter.  
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in 
her mouth.  I asked her not to do that.  
"Why?"   
"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."   
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, 
"Wow!  How do you know all this stuff?"   
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, 
"Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't 
let you be a Mommy." 
"Oh."   
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently 
pondering this new information.   
"I get it!!!!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."  

Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 
25-foot putt.  As he lined it up, he announced, 
"I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. 
Does anyone want to bet?"  His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager.  
My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered 
around to collect their money. 
Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, 
"I can make this putt."   
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too.  

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the 
coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to 
correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers 
and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to 
the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big 
smile said, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked 
up into the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers asked why. The foreman yelled, 
"His wife is here with his lunch!

Maybe Later...
Father O'Malley walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man 
he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Sure, Father, and who wouldn't?" was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father O'Malley walked up to Murphy and said,
 "Do you want to go to heaven?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "C'mon lad... I don't believe this. You mean to tell me 
that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
Murphy said, "Oh, when I die, yes. Sure, I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."

Why Is It That We Have To Speak English?
An officer in the U.S. Naval Reserve was attending a conference that 
included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. 
At a cocktail reception afterwards, a French admiral started complaining
that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned
 Englsh. He asked, "Why is it that we have to speak English at these 
conferences rather than you speaking French?" Without hesitation, 
the American admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, 
Aussies and Americans arranged it so that you wouldn't have to speak German."

For those who enjoy language or severe distortions thereof...
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their breeches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.