When they say "instant credit," don't they actually mean "instant debt"? 

"I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to." 

"There's a store near my house with a sign that says, 'Unfinished Furniture'. 
I have to go in there. I'm looking for a nice three-legged table." -- George Carlin

"I had general anesthesia for my surgery. It's so weird. You go to sleep in one 
room and then wake up four hours later in a totally different room. 
Just like in college." -- Ross Shafer

"I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work 
the more I have of it." -- Thomas Jefferson

"For every ten jokes, thou hast got a hundred enemies." 
-- Laurence Sterne (British Novelist)

My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection.
As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."
"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.
Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she
watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.
Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding.
As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. 
Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon 
as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches that 
have died of old age.  He picks them up and places them in a sack.  After cleaning 
the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.
When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps who have also died of 
natural causes.  "Waste not, want not," he says as puts them in the sack with the finches.
Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the sack, into the lions' cage.
"No!" roars the lion.  "Not finch and chimps again!" 

My friend Mary, a waitress in an elegant restaurant, had to stifle a laugh when 
she overheard one diner greeting an old friend. 
"Oh, Ruth, it's so wonderful to see you!" the woman gushed. 
"Lately we've been like wind passing in the night."

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing 
at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. 
We'll be gone for a week."
"This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so 
would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and 
tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick 
my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly 
what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. 
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you 
pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
I did, they're in your tackle box.

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school
if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice deciding to skip school and 
go to the mall with her friends. So she waited until her parents had left for
work and called the school herself.
"Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice is unable to make it to school today 
because she is ill." Secretary at high school answered, "I'm sorry to hear that. 
I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please?"
"This is my mother."

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds 
who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that 
had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike 
Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck 
that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, 
like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were
a garbage truck backing up.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine 
that needed a band tightening.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit 
and intelligence. "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?" 
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice 
so the other shoppers won't hear.  "But since you're a good and faithful customer, 
I'll let you in on it.  Fish heads.  You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant." 
"You sell them here?" the customer asks. 
"Only $4 apiece," says Morris. 
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the 
fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter. 
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads.  
Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry. 
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just 
found out I can buy the whole fish for $2.  You're ripping me off!" 
"You see?" says Morris.  "You're smarter already."  

There is a disease terrible that strikes 10 out of 1 Americans 15 every minutes. 
Vocal Dyslexia it's called. An elment I've been lifing all my fight.
It can warn without striking and has no regard for case, read, or crolor. 
Symptoms:
~ speechaled garb
~ backs coming out wordward
~ and an inability to sent a complete putence together
The victims: innocent people like you and pe
Sadly, Vocal Dyslexia is wilding liek spreadfire and there is no cureful symp, 
butthere is hope. The dyslexia foundation has recommended these things 3:
3rd: at the first trub of signale phonsult a confition
2nd: stay in bed and drink flenty of pluids
1st: read as can as you much
For more information write: 999 Teenfifth Street, Grand Mapids, Ricaghan
Thank you muchy ver. 

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well ...  they feel a bit tight." replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.
"Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk.
"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. 
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. 
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" 
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into 
a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, 
"We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. 
One of the enemy cut my hand off." 
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? 
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.  
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. 
"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. 
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow 
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, 
models deposed, and drycleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe 
you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have 
to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, 
does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," 
why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is 
that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

As team leader of the Police Tactics and Rescue Unit, I directed officers late 
one night to strategic positions around a building where a dangerous suspect 
was hiding. Believing the culprit to be on the roof, I decided to have an officer 
shine his flash-light in that direction on my command.
At just the right moment, I whispered to him, "Okay, throw a light on the roof."
The officer hurled his flashlight to the top of the building.

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead
mule in the church yard. He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear 
to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department. 
They explained, "Since there was no health threat you'll need to call the 
Sanitation Department."
When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation 
Department said, "I can't pick-up the dead mule without authorization from the mayor." 
The Pastor was not too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and 
was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor 
called the mayor anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. 
After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said,
"Why did you call me any way? Isn't your job to bury the dead?"
The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response. 
The Lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking, 
"Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, 
BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first!"